job search

Today I started my training at the church's employment center. today seemed to be kind of a waste of time. I really loved the older couple teaching the class though. I really felt like they loved all of us in the class. I just didn't feel like I got any closer to getting a job that I would like. I guess my plan right now is to try to get a job that I love for now, if that doesn't happen in the next little while, I will have to take an electrical job. I guess a job that I would love would be some kind of sales/account manager type job. A lot like the job I just got laid off of.
today in the class we had to read some of out accomplishments from our last job to a partner. My partner just happened to be a successful sales manager who is recently retired. He is only taking the class so he can teach it while on his mission in Egypt. Where he just got called to serve. In one of my bullet point items I mentioned the name of my previous employer. It just so happened that my old boss was also in my partners ward and worse yet was his bishop until just a couple of months ago. Of course "Jim" my group partner starts gushing about what a great guy he is. I said "Well I thought so, until he laid me off". I really don't know if that was the right response. Everyone else in this little class wanted "Jim" to like them so much it made me sick. It was like "can I have jim critique me" "what does Jim think of this". Why do guys act like that about other people? I don't get it. I guess he deserves some respect but these guys were gushing all over him. I really didn't know how to react when he asked me about my old boss. I really don't think my opinion matters that much to Jim anyways. Considering where I am in life. At an unemployment training seminar sponsored by the church. He probably considers my a loser. I always tell myself, as long as my family loves and respects me, that is all I need. Well, that is not exactly the truth. That is just an easy thing to tell myself.
I think that I have always tried to surround myself with idiots so that I could feel smart or good about myself. You know kind of a king of the nerds syndrome or something. When I get around smart or successful people I think I get intimidated or nervous. I probably overdo it. that's wierd because the smartest person I know is my Father. I respect him more than anyone else I know. I think I act like myself around him, but I know that is because he respects me and believes in me. My dad has always believed in me, no matter how badly I have screwed up. He is incredible. If I have any testimony at all it is because of him. If a man like that, that smart, that logical can know the gospel is true beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is something there. There has to be. He is a scientist, yet he has complete faith in every aspect of the gospel and I just feel the spirit when I am with him. He is a strong man. The greatest man I know. If I could be half the man as him I would be happy. I want to make him proud more than anything in the world.
I am fighting a serious case of the blues. I am so nervous to interview for a job right now. I just don't know if I am up for it. I feel like the odds are getting stacked against me. The biggest problem is the drugs. I don't know if I can go through what I am going through with the dicking the drugs and finding a new job. What if a potential employer asks me to take a drug test. What do I tell them? How do I explain all of this? Most days I feel so shitty that I don't know if I can be effective in any position.
Well I will finish this later.