Misunderstood Words

book 1 of the Narco program was basically exercises to get you comfortable with yourself. Or as they put it "comfortable in your own skin". The first exercise is sitting perfectly still with eyes closed. Next is sitting with eyes open, looking directly into someone else's eyes. You cannot flinch, change expression, even look away. Any movement and you start over. At one point in the program you have to sit there for 2 or 4 hours straight in order to graduate. The eyes closed isn't so bad, but the eyes open is definately a challenge. The next drill was sitting directly across from a partner, look them directly in the eyes and say, exactly "do birds fly?" The other person could say anything, mostly they would try to be funny and try to distract the student asking the question. So if I was the student I would say "Do birds fly?" The other student would say, "Shut the hell up and quit bugging me. I would have to say again "Do birds fly?" over and over until I get some kind of an answer. Often the answer would be something stupid like "Only out there into the sand where they all die a bloody death". To that I reply, "Thank You" and repeat, "Do birds fly?" Until the instructor says stops the exercise. We did that one every day.



The next TR was a little more active. The student took his partner into the kitchen. The kitchen was more like a little hallway. We would stand at one end, I would put my hand on the other students shoulder or arm and say "Do you see that wall?" then I wait for a response, "Yes" next I say "now walk over to it" and I lead them over to the wall across the kitchen. It is only about 8' away. We stop at the wall. Next I say "Now touch the wall". After they touch the wall I instruct them "Now turn around" then I help them turn around and then it all start over again, "Do you see that wall?" The whole time the other student is "Bullbaiting" or trying to distract the student running the drill. My best tactic to make the student trying to lead was to sing "The sun will come out" from Little Orphan Annie, either in a British or an Asian accent. I would sing it really loudly. I was actually one of the best at making the other's laugh. The instructor would often have me be the subject when a student was trying to pass that one off. You see, we would practice these drills every day, but we all had to pass them off to an instructor to graduate. Most people would talk really dirty or use extremely foul language. Believe me, nothing was off limits in the classroom at this place.



During Book 1, I noticed other students pairing off and going into the back bedrooms. One student would have a notebook and a pen, it was wierd. I finally asked Stew about it. He was in charge of the classroom. He said "Don't worry about it yet, soon you will begin auditing and then you will be an auditor". I also saw a bunch of students making big, huge displays out of clay. The more questions I asked, the less they let me know. Stew said I had to learn in correct order or it wouldn't do me any good. Everything was based on the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, and he had the ultimate system for learning. They claimed that with his learning system everyone could learn. Even those with learning disabilities could get through school at grade level with no medication. In fact, if someone used all of L. Ron Hubbard's theories they would never need any medication for any reason. That is why Tom Cruise freaked out on Brooke Shields about taking medication for depression. Scientologists believe that there is something wrong in your life and you need to fix it, if you fix it what ails you will go away. So anyway, his big learning system. It is based on Misunderstood Words. L. Ron said that if you read something, anything, and you come across a word that you don't totally understand and keep reading that eventually you will become bored, or distracted, or even get a headache. If you keep reading after you pass a Misunderstood Word it's hard to understand the rest of what you read. You can even read the same chapter twice, if there is MW's in the text you won't understand what you have read. When in the Narco classroom, you must have a dictionary with you at all times. If anything is wrong, say you have a headache or need a drink, the instructors will say "Find the word and clear it." It got so annoying. They made us look up so many words. If we were reading something the instructors would come up to you and ask you how many words you have cleared and make you show them. Then they would look at what you were reading and ask you what a bunch of words mean. Stupid words, that are obvious, but you don't really know how to explain it. However, it actually works pretty well. It is just hard to sit there and look up all the words. But you sure learn a lot.

After Book 1, and after the Sauna, we spent a ton of time on Misunderstood Words. There is a whole book on it. It was probably the most important concept, next to the sauna treatment, in the Narconon program.

Normal

My wife often says to me "Why can't we just be normal", I reply "You know I am not normal and you knew I wasn't when you married me". After she says that I always get really depressed. I wish I could give her normal. I have tried, I'm not even sure what normal is. I do know what her normal is. Her normal is tough. Atleast in my opinion. It is a really nice house in a cute, exclusive city. I would have a 9-5 job and make about 180k per year and have perfect benefits. She would stay home and go shopping or out to lunch with friends or family. She would keep the house perfectly clean and cook great meals and do the laundry once or twice and week and on Sunday she would make a roast. I would maintain the yard and the cars, her SUV and my European sedan. I would be 2" taller and 30 lbs. thinner and I would cook a big breakfast every Sunday morning, and we would all be happy all the time.


When she says that, I think that is what she means, atleast that's how she acts. One time when I was really struggling our bishop said "Don't compare your private lives to other people's public lives". It's true, you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but I just find it hard to believe that anyone else has problems like mine. I am not sure what our public life looks like to others but I kind of doubt that anyone is pointing at us and saying "I wish we could live like them". I know that everyone has problems and everyone thinks their problems are insurmountable until they open their eyes and look around. You can always find someone who has it worse than you. It is easy, if I set my sights low, than I am doing alright. If I set my sights high than I am a complete failure. Is it better to associate with people with lower expectations so you feel better about yourself? Or are you better off setting your sights higher and hanging with people who expect more or want more out of life? Who knows. It's like in the movie "Sixteen Candles", the nerdy guy was "King of the Nerds". So when he was with them, he was cool. But, when he went to the party at Jake Ryan's house, he was in another league. All of a sudden he wasn't cool at all. He was a loser, or a dork, actually, I guess he would be a nerd.

There are basically three different types of guys. First, there is the basic college graduate. He is the guy who get's through college, maybe gets a masters degree and then get's a job. He works hard and gets a nice pension. Every job he takes he is sure to get great benefits and he is always stable as can be. It is a nice life this guy has, he is probably a good dad and has a good solid life. Second, is the entrepenuer (sp?). He may or may not have a college degree. Usually he has a degree, but his career has absolutely nothing to do with his education. He finished college because that was next. This guy always appears to be rich. He probably is rich. He is really nice and extremely smart and very motivated. The entrep is always talking about money or some new venture or investment. Always looking for the next big thing. He takes awesome vacations and drives killer cars, even if he isn't doing well financially at the time. It's all about appearance to this guy. He really isn't too worried about his retirement because he is sure that he will be filthy rich by then, and he probably will. The third guy is the blue collar guy. All it takes to make him happy is a new camp trailer and a good spot at the campground. He is a simple guy and very well could the most happy of all of them. Sometimes I wish I could be happy being just like the simple guy. but I seem to want more out of life. I want my kids to want more out of life. I am not sure what effect all my struggles will have on my kids. They have seen it all, probably more than most kids should be allowed to see. I just hope that they learn from my problems and don't repeat them. Oh, I had quite an episode at scouts this past Tuesday.
We meet on Tuesdays, before I left for scouts at six o'clock my wife tells me that her car has a flat tire. I knew this was coming because the tires are really bald but I haven't had the cash to replace them. The problem was that is was our only operating car besides my work truck. So I decided I would go down to Costco after scouts and get two new tires on the front of the car. I went to scouts and only two kids showed up and the other leader. He wanted to go over all the requirements for the year and get the two kids up to date which meant we would have had to stay later than the normal seven p.m. I said "I don't know if that will work for me, I have to go to Costco and get some tires on a car". Brandon, the other leader, "No problem, we'll follow you down there and just have our meeting at one of the tables and have a Churro while we do our work and wait for your car". I couldn't think of an excuse or a reason why this wouldn't work, I just wanted him to say, "go ahead, no problem, we'll see you next week". So I hurried and borrowed an air compressor and pumped the flat tire up and we hurried down to the Costco's. Unfortunately, some stupid company was having their Christmas party there. So every stupid table and then some were taken. So Brandon was standing right next to me while I was talking to the tire guy. The Costco guy, who happened to be a dwarf who thinks he's tough, "Well, you have a 4-wheel drive vehicle here sir, as company policy we cannot just replace two tires, we have to replace all 4 at the same time, and from looking at your tires, they look like they all need it real bad". Thanks buddy. Of couse they didn't have the cheapest ones in stock and those weren't that cheap. I tried to talk him into just doing the two front tires and moving them to the back of the car, but he wasn't budging on the policy. So finally, going on the dwarf and the scout leader's recomendation I went with the next cheapest set of four. So with Brandon standing directly next to me, Mr. Dwarf ran my Debit card, surprise, surprise it was rejected. At that point he wasnt that excited about taking a check either. Brandon offered to lend me some money, I didn't know what to do. I was really embarrased. The whole Ward knew that I had been layed off and was out of work so Brandon was probably feeling really bad for me. How freaking pitiful. So I asked midget man if he could just patch the leak if the tire? Of course they were too bald, they just couldn't be salvaged. So I said "Brandon, how about those Churro's? The boys are probably going crazy", which they weren't. They were loving it, Running wild in the Costco. So he mercifully went out and bought some Churro's, he even bought me one and wouldn't let me pay him back, brutal. I went out and looked at my car and said, "well it looks like it is actually holding air, I think it will be okay until my wife get's home and then I will get some tires and pay with her account, that's the one we normally use". Brandon didn't buy it, the dwarf didn't buy it, I didnt' buy it, even the two eleven year old scouts didn't buy it. It was the best I could come up with at the time. Oh well. So every night I take the car down to the gas station and fill it up with air, no problem. Then on Sunday the Elder's quorum president came up to me and had some questions. You can imagine what those were, I can't go over them or I will start to cry and I don't want to cry right now, so I am going to go.
Peace.

The Deer Hunt

When I was in High School I think I was like most teenagers. Go to school, go to church,maybe some extra-curricular activities after school. But the most important thing at that age is friends. I see it in my kids. My oldest daughter went through it when she was in school and now my middle daughter seems to focus all her attention on her friends and "hanging out". So I understand. I am even okay with it if they have good friends and I think at this point they do. With my oldest daughter it was tough. I remember the feelings of always wondering why she never wants to be home or with her family. It has really made it easier with my next daughter. I love it when I tell them "Believe me, I have been through all this stuff you are going through. I can remember what it is like". They look at me like a total alien. Man that makes me feel old.
I thought I had a real great group of friends in High School. They were so important to me and I thought that we would all be so close all of our lives. Well it hasn't worked out that way, which I have learned is much more common than I thought. I remain close with two friends. One I consider my "Best Friend" and the other I kind of think of more like a brother. I love both of them, but I seem to get into trouble with the "Best Friend" quite a bit. Or atleast everyone says so. His name is Brian and we are probably better for each other than our friends and family think. I will admit I have gotten in some trouble when I was with Brian but my hardcore drug use had nothing to do with him. The times that I have reached real lows in my life on account of the addiction I was a loner to be sure. In fact, I would purposely avoid both of my friends, Brian and my "brother" friend Doug. It is hard to have people who you respect and care about see you so vulnerable and messed up. I ignored a lot of voice mails in those days, from friends and family.
Before I entered my first rehab, in fact before my addiction became a real problem I recall a time that Brian and I were planning to go deer hunting. It would have been our third year in a row going together, just the two of us. The first year we went together we both got a deer and to be honest I really had no desire to shoot another one. The next year the deer hunt was around 6 months after I started my business and I was doing well financially. The morning of the hunt I went to the nearest Honda dealership and bought a brand new 4-wheeler for the hunt. That year we were hunting near Logan Utah. The first year we had really gone all out. We went scouting for deer and we camped way up in the mountains right in the thick of things. So the second year we decided to get a hotel room in Logan and maybe take it a little easy. We basically got up in the morning and rode ATV's around the hills for awhile. Around 4 p.m. we would load up, head back to the room, get a shower and go to a nice restaurant for dinner. The first year we were in tents, up at 5:30 a.m. in our predetermined hunting spots. Then we hunted all day long and cooked our dinner over the fire at night. The second year we didn't even leave the hotel in the morning until after 9:30 a.m. We were not going to shoot any more bucks and that was alright with us. We were just having some fun. We were mixing a lot more drinking and taking drugs into our hunting experience. I don't think either of us really wanted to shoot another deer since we had both bagged bucks in the past and it is a lot of work.
So the third year in a row we are getting ready for the hunt. The only deer tags from the state left were in the North portion of the state. We wanted to go South. We decided we would go as far south as we could and still stay in the zone our permits allowed. Somehow we both ended up bringing our golf clubs and golf clothes. I don't think I even took a rifle. Brian picked me up and we loaded my 4-wheeler along side his and threw some token camping gear on the trailer.
We headed down I-15 headed South. We got to Nephi and decided to go West into the mountains and check for any signs of good deer hunting. As we got up the canyon we found a nice looking dirt road heading back to the North. The road was leading us up into real nice deer country, after about 6 miles on the dirt road I said, kind of as a conversation starter, "you know B, I really have no desire to shoot a deer this year". He slammed on the brakes. "I don't either", he responded and it took us about 30 seconds to decide where to go. Las Vegas. A little golf a little gambling and free drinks. Sounds like my kind of hunting. Both of our families thought we were out camping in a tent in the mountain and hiking in the wilderness looking for Bambi. Actually we were having quite a nice little vacation in Nevada living the good life. It was awesome.
That same week my nephew was playing in the Utah High School football playoffs. His team was playing a school from St. George Utah. St. George is approximately an hour and a half North of Vegas and about thirty minutes North of Mesquite, Nevada. I had no idea but my sister was unable to obtain a room in St. George because it was so crowded there that weekend. So Karen, my sister and her family ended up getting a room in nearby Mesquite. Karen is my oldest sister and I feel a kindred spirit to me. I know she had her moments while growing up, in a good Mormon house hold. The rest of our sibling were really focused on the church and excelled in school. Karen was no where close to the level I was but I always felt she kind of knew what I was thinking or doing. She is really close to the Lord and has a strong testimony of the Church now, but I just think she had her moments.
The second night Brian and I finished a nice round of golf. We were going to get cleaned up and go down to the casino and hit it. I suggested to Brian "You know, I never win shit in Vegas, I seem to have much better luck in Mesquite". I think Brian wanted to stay in Vegas, but he agreed and we packed up and left Las Vegas and checked into a room at the Virgin River Hotel and Casino in Mesquite, Nevada. We ate dinner in Mesquite, had a few cocktails and then hit the floor. We played a little BlackJack, then went to the Roulette wheel. At the time that was my game, I just seemed to have great luck on roulette. So I am kicking ass. I was up atleast $500 or $600, which is a lot for me because I am not a huge better. I was really getting into it. Betting more and more with each roll of the marble and drinking a lot of beer to go along with all the pills I was taking. I was ripped. Brian and I were laughing and having a great time with other players at the table. Everyone was having fun and laughing and getting real drunk.
I had a thing that I did each time while the wheel was spinning. I would look at a certain Football Helmet over at the Sportsbook and I never looked at the wheel until it stopped turning. The Sports Book was directly next to one of the main exits in and out of the Virgin River. I had just gotten another beer, Bud Light, I made my bet. I was betting very heavy at this point, I was rolling. I was playing about 10 numbers and several side of number bets plus several outside bets. The dealer spun the marble, I looked at my spot, I heard the wheel stop and the marble settle into it's number slot. I heard the other players react to the result. I went to turn my head and attention back to the table when something just barely caught my eye as I turned and I took a double take back to the exit. It was my sister and her family. My eyes went directly to hers and hers to mine. Our eyes locked for sure. There was no where to run, nowhere to hide. I was busted. Karen walked right up to the table, "Oh my gosh Sam, I thought you were deer hunting, what are you doing here?" At this point she was happy to see me. As soon as Brian saw what was going on he grabbed my beer and slid over to his other side so at the very least Karen would think it was his and hopefully not see it at all. Then it happened, she looked at the table. the smile quickly left her face and she was like "come on you guys, let's go. Right now" to her family. She was hoping they wouldn't notice exactly what was going on. I am sure I didn't look normal. She didn't even allow me to say hi to her twins, she just grabbed the girls and they were on their way to there room. Shit, I was so busted. I was totally sick to my stomach. It was bad enough that I was in Nevada gambling, but I was also drinking and basically drunk. I skipped the next couple of rolls and just sat there. Brian was asking me questions but I wasn't answering. I was trying to comprehend what had just happened and what the repercussions were going to be. I think I just kept repeating the same cuss word over and over. Brian was surely bummed out, we just had a huge damper put on our night, in fact our whole trip. I cashed my chips in and we went to the room. I needed to get high, higher. Then out of desperation, while we were in our room I called Karens room, "Hey, you didn't stay very long. Do you guys want to go bowling with us? That is what we are going to do. We don't really have anything else to do". Karen just laughed and said "No thanks"
I really can't remember if I asked her not to tell my wife or not. But she didn't until after I entered my first rehab. That was really cool of her. I think this was the point in my life where I realized that I wasn't getting my shit together like the rest of my old friends. I think I thought I was still in High School. Like everything was going to be easy and it would just happen for me. The truth is, I was already in trouble at that point.
Oh well, the things us addicts do, stupid.
Peace.

Rehab 2 (cont 7) Sauna Treatment

The process at Narco is pretty simple. The program consists of 8 books. After book 1 the student leaves the classroom and begins their sauna treatment. The sauna is really the cornerstone of the program. There is no preset time limit for the sauna treatment. The student is just supposed to know when they are done. I talked to students who were in the sauna for two weeks and others who's sauna treatment lasted over six weeks. I also talked to many who had major flashbacks in the sauna. They actually got high from all the toxins leaving their body. I heard a lot of stories about what happens in the sauna, who knows how many are true or not. After the sauna the student is back in the classroom to finish his or her program. If a student slipped up and got high or drunk after the sauna they would be what is called "out of ethics". In that case they would have to redo their sauna treatment and then they were on an "ethics cycle". An Ethics Cycle would basically be performing manual labor instead of going to class. The Ethics Cycle would start after the sauna was over. Usually when redoing the sauna it would only last two to three weeks at the most. Most of the time the Ethics Cycle would last twenty to forty days, depending on the violation and the students attitude and where they are in the program. If the student was on book 7 and they took off it would be a lot worse than a student on book 2.


While I was still in detox I wanted to be in the sauna so badly. They looked like they had a blast. I didn't really know what was going on at first. I just saw a small group of people that ran around in their swimming suits and were never in class. They all looked like they were really good friends and they were always running across the beach and diving into the ocean, no matter how cold it was. They were also allowed to eat first and after their day in the sauna they were allowed to just hang out and skip the night classes. A lot of the time they were the only others besides the detox gang to be hanging around in the early evenings. Narco gave the students in the sauna a very light schedule because sitting in a sauna for over six hours a day can really take a lot out of a person and they didn't want them to over do it and get sick.


As all of us in detox started book 1 it was kind of a race to get through book 1 and into the sauna. Before anyone is allowed to begin the sauna treatment they are required to go a doctor and get a complete physical. So one day towards the end of book 1 Joe the Narco driver came into the classroom and called out a bunch of names and said "meet me in 10 minutes in the alley, you are all going to the Dr. today". I was stoked, I really wanted to start the sauna and get out of the freaking classroom for a while, a long while.

The group that went to the Dr. that day was me, Jeff, Brian, Chris B., Roman, Joyce,Samantha, Lindsay,Danny from Vegas and Enrique. We drove quite a ways to get to the Dr. office. After my experience with the shitty hospital from my medical detox I was a little nervous about this Dr.'s visit. Surprisingly, the office was really nice and the Dr. seemed quite legit. He even spoke perfect English. The first thing the Doc asked was "Ok, now how many of you have Hepatitis from IV drug use?" I shit when I saw all the hands go up. I didn't know anything about that. I used the same toilet as all these people, the same shower and I was going to be sitting in the sauna with them. During my physical I asked him a lot of questions, he reassured me a little, but I was still freaking out. Especially when he told me that there is no cure for Hep C, once you get it you will always have it and it will probably be the reason you die when you die. I was still in the exam room resting from giving blood when Roman came into the room. The Dr. shit when Roman took his shirt off and he saw all the lumps on his body. Especially the one that was erupting with smelly puss and blood, it was huge, I can't even explain how big this thing was. Roman was positive for Hepatits. All of us passed the physical except for Roman and Samantha. They both had Hep C. and Samantha had some liver of kidney problems because of it. The Dr. needed to clear some of the obvious problems up on Roman before he could start the sauna. Of the 10 of us that went to the Dr.'s that day, 5 had Hepatits. In the back of the office I saw two students that I had seen at Narco but had not met. They were both getting some kind of blood treatment. The first was a guy named James Agro, everyone called him Agro. He was from Hollywood and was a big-time tweaker. He shot speed into his veins up to 5 times a day. He was young, maybe 25. Agro was tall, about 6'5", really skinny and his hair was long and it stuck straight up. He was kind of cool looking in a scarey kind of way. He was the type you would think of when you thought of young, Hollywood drug users. The other person was a young girl named Nicole. She was all over the East Coast and had been a run away for years. She used Horoine and was also a heavy IV user. She had short, jet black hair and wore a lot of black eye make-up. she dressed real crazy, lot's of camo and short skirts with combat boots and piercings all over. I found out that they were getting treatment for Hepatits and were trying to get clearance from the Dr. so they could start the sauna treatment. I thought "Great, those two are going to be in the sauna with me." I was very comfortable with the group I thought I was going to be in the sauna with, now I wasn't so sure. Those two were freaks and scared the shit out of me. I couldn't imagine the sauna with more than five people in it at a time. I wasn't sure how this was going to work but I was all consumed with worry about how my time in the sauna was going to end up and who I was going to be with. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Atleast Roman didn't pass his physical so he wouldn't be in with me. And perhaps Agro and Nicole wouldn't get healthy in time to be in the sauna with me either. I just couldn't stop worrying about it. The Hepatits thing was really freaking me out. I didn't want to leave here with a permanent disease.
I will finish later.
peace.

New Comp

OK, it's the Sunday after Thanksgiving and I still don't have a job. I have been offered a couple of jobs. Of the two jobs I have officially been offered, I would be taking a large cut in pay and major deduction in benefits. I really need health insurance and I would have to find my own with either job. With my situation, that would be really tough. The bottom line is the most important thing in this job search is health insurance. I won't be able to get any without being part of a group. I would have to start paying full price for everything ie; Dr. visits, prescriptions, and I would be screwed if it ever came to getting surgery on my neck.

The first offer was from STF Electric Services, they wanted a drug test. I was actually going to go take it. Who cares right? I called them to see if we could work something out with the health insurance situation. They wouldn't budge. Their offer was straight $23.00 per hour and that is it. No vacation pay, no holiday pay, no sick days. Literally no benefits at all. I just think I can do better. The one appealing thing STF offered was that I would be working on the Day Break Temple. That could be real cool. I would love to see a Temple go up, and hang all those fixtures and just see how they do all the neat things they do in those amazing buildings. Then I could remodel my house to look just like a Temple because I would know all the tricks.

The other job that I am still considering is Mr. Sparky. It is a Service and Repair company. Almost exactly like Captain Shitball where I used to work. The owner was definately planning on me to run a truck full time. That was fine, but the pay was too low. I kind of made it known that the pay wasn't going to cut it. Steve, the owner was very persistent, he kept calling me and his thing was to say "Hey, I am not a written book. We are writing the chapters as we go. Let's figure a starting number we can both live with and get going". I would start to think maybe then he would always say "the wage we pick is just a temporary training wage anyways. I am a firm believer in New Comp. It puts the burden on the tech, well not really burden, it gives the tech more of the ability to make as much as they want". Bull shit, it does put all the burden on the tech and takes all the risk off the owner. The tech get's paid like $12.oo per hour or less and they get paid by how much money they bring in. It's tough, you really can make good money. The Mr. Sparky guys in Atlanta, and Florida where it started are making unreal amounts of money, well some of the techs. Problem is you don't even start making New Comp unless you average over $1200.00 per day. I told Steve first of all "you are only in Utah County right now. I know that Ut. county cannot support New Comp. I know we tried at the Captain. and we never could make it work" He said "Ok, lets get in the Yellow Pages in SLC." Once again my response wasn't what he wanted to hear. I said "I'm sorry Steve but the Yellow Pages leads are terrible. There is know way I will go on New Comp and risk my family life on Ut. Co. and Yellow Page leads. We tried for a long time at Captain to make it work, and we were state wide. I was prospecting leads from Ogden to St. George and we still had to create a hybrid type of New Comp for our guys. They were all still making $24.00 per hour + New Comp. Only one guy ever even got any New Comp compensation." And "all of our health ins. was paid, 2 weeks paid vacation and all the major holidays paid. I don't really care about all of that, just the pay, the ins. and that is it." Steve said, "Well Mr. Sparky has a little different type of New Comp". "OK Steve, let me think about it and I will get back to you, soon. Thanks a lot" He was like "Sam, remember I am not a written book, we really want you. Come work with us. We are going to do special things. If you are going to some other job interviews forget it and just come to work. I know we can make New Comp work". He sounded a lot like Joe when I first hired on at the Captain, only worse about the New Comp. It won't work here in Utah. Not enough people will pay these crazy prices. To much risk is on the tech, all the risk is on the Tech, it's bull shit. I still don't know what to do. I just can't decide what to do.

I have been having entrepenureal (sp?) feelings since all these interviews and offers. I have relationships all over the state. Why can't I do this myself. If I am going to make someone $1500.00 a day, why not do it for myself. If I am going to work my ass off, I might as well do it for myself. Is that the right way to think? Can I do it with all that I have learned over the years? Am I too screwed up? Is it possible to go from 0 to successful contractor? I would only do service and repair, no house roping or anything big. I have met one General Contractor who is really pushing me to go into business for myself. He is in with a lot of home owners in Midway and says he can get me $4K to 6K per month in jobs like that. He has already gotten me a couple up there, and so far they have been good jobs. I am using Captain Elec price book and they have been willing to pay their prices. It is just hard. I would have to make my own Price Book, my own invoices, my own everything to look professional. The big thing is I would have to take the time to get properly licensed. That would really cut into my income right now, which is very paltry and it's Christmas time.

Well I am not sure what to do. I am just trying to stay busy and keep working hard to support my family. I think my daughters kind of think I am a loser. Just a hunch, because of all I have been though during their lives and now I am unemployed and can't find a good job. I know they wish their Dad was successful and could get a job easy. I think they are scared. I haven't talked too much to anyone about starting my own business. I am scared everyone will cringe or laugh and be like, come on pull your head out of your ass dumbshit. You can't do that. Maybe not. Got to go

Peace.

Sundays

I love Sundays. For one day the pressure is off. I think everyone feels like that for the most part. Maybe with the exception of students who have put their homework off, and those who have jobs. You know how you kind of get that wierd feeling on Sunday night, the whole thing is starting over in the morning. The whole grind of the week. The mondane (sp?) work week, for most people is starts Sunday evening. Atleast it did for me when I was working. Now I kind of have mixed emotions, part hope and part hopelessness. This week something will happen for sure, I am smart. Surely someone will hire me and everything will be okay. You always hear of others people who lose their jobs and how tough it is, you talk to them a while later and they have this great job and it was the best thing that ever happened to them. We are those kind of people, I come from that kind of family. A "Best thing ever Family". In fact I grew up in a "Best thing ever area", in a "Best thing ever Church. Surely things will work out. Problem is, I have always been different. When I was young I was being groomed to be successful, I felt it, I knew it, and I took it for granted. I was the most confident teenager in the world. I was bulletproof. On the other hand I am used to sabotage. I ruin things for myself. A lot of it is drug induced but it is real. It's like I hope things will work out great for me, but in my heart of hearts I know it won't. It just doesn't happen for me. I just had my dream job, my chance of a lifetime, and I screwed it up. The jobs that I really want are the type of jobs that are going to have much more qualified applicants applying. I just feel that, why the hell would they hire me. I am really just a freaking electrician. I have to try to quit thinking that way and have some confidence but atleast I always have my Journeyman license to fall back on. That is what my Mother and Father-in-Law keep saying to me. Translation:Why the hell aren't you working as an electrician supporting our daughter you lazy dumbass? We don't care what you WANT to do, we care what you can do.
I understand their point of view, I would probably feel the same way if it was my daughter. My In-laws are kind of old school. They think an electrician is a great way to make a living. These days it just doesn't cut it. Before we had teenagers maybe we could make it, but now there is not a chance. I would have to work and then do side jobs all night long to make it and it would still be tough at that.

Church has even gotten tough for me. Elder's Chorum is just plain torture for me. I just can't bring myself to go. I literally get physically ill just thinking about it. Hard to believe this is coming from the same person who once spoke in Sacrament Meeting on 2 minutes notice from his Father. It's true. I was 17 or 18, I arrived at Sacrament Meeting right before it started. My dad was in the Bishopric, he hurried down and met me before I could sit down and whispered, "sorry, I forgot to tell you that you are speaking today in Sacrament Meeting" I was like, "really, how much time do I need to take up". I was a little nervous, but I actually liked it. I made the audience laugh, and had no problems at all. I think I said some stuff about my Mother's old high school that made her mad, but she was so proud. It was easy, I had so much confidence. I could have done that any time. I gave lessons in front of the bishop off the top of my head, I could talk to anyone, I could do anything. Life was easy. Maybe too easy.
Somewhere along the line it got hard. I don't mean life, that's obvious, I mean church stuff. I can't do it anymore. It's like the older you get the more complicated it get's. I think that being surrounded by returned missionaries intimidates me. I know I missed out on some awesome growth there. Both spiritually as well as mental toughness, but I have been through some tough stuff in my life. Trust me. I am scared to give a prayed in Sacrament Meeting now, forget about giving a talk. I am even scared to have a conversation with some of the men in out ward. That is why I hate to go to church. I don't like the guys who try to act nice to you. I'm not stupid. Now if it get's around that I am unemployed, which it has, it will be unbearable. I have a testimony, I have felt the spirit. It feels like love. Plain and simple. I have felt it. I try to keep it simple when it comes to religion. Treat people well and help people when you can. Go out of your way to help people. I try to be generous and I did several jobs for free when I was working as an electrician for Captain Elec. when clients couldn't pay and were under terrible circumstances. I always did freebies for older people, I did a lot of stuff the really made the management of Capt. Elc. mad. I always did it on my own time, but they wanted the job. I really do try. I just try to keep it simple because it so easy to get overwhelmed. Every Sunday it get's so complicated, there is so much to it. Why can't be simple, just love everyone. especially your family, help others, do the right thing. Instead it's all these smart guys showing how smart they are. It works, I think they are smart and they intimidate me. They intimidate me much more than being the new guy at a rehab or stressing about not being able to get my drugs and knowing I am going to be sick as hell, with the smart guys we are talking about eternity. We are talking about my family. I promise you, without my family I would be diad today. Sure as I am writing this right now, I would be dead.
Peace

Uncle Rico

My wife and Daughters love to call me uncle Rico. They think it is so funny. I really don't talk about my high school days that much, but I will admit, I loved my time in high school. I was a screw up for sure in high school. I didn't live up to my potential in any way, in sports or academically. I think I had the wrong impression of what I was there for. I was into having fun and that is what I did, I had a lot of fun. I got away with a lot and I think that set me up for a tough life. I shouldn't of graduated, but some of the teacher's loved me enough to give me some credits the last week of school to allow me to graduate. It was that close.
In my senior English class the teacher was a man who fancied himself hip and cool. I never knew why but he never tested me or had any sort of confrontation with me. We were friends from the first day. Every Friday in his class we took a spelling and vocabulary test. 15 words that we were to have studied during the week. Every Friday I went to the front of the room and gave the test and read the definitions while the students corrected each others papers. I got 100% on every test, I still barely passed the class. I thought he was so cool. I thought he just liked me. I have thought about that over the years, a lot. He was prepared for me. He had heard about some of my run-ins with other teachers and he just figured he would control me. He did. He knew I would bomb the class even with all the advantages he gave me. I was only in class about half of the time, he probably made fun of me to the other students when I wasn't there. I am only now realizing how stupid I really was.
Like in health class when the teacher announced, "Next time a police officer will be speaking to us about illegal drugs and bringing some samples from busts in to show us. Please be on your best behavior". I was sure to come in stoned out of my mind and just stinking bad of pot. I don't know why I did that, I thought it was cool. It wasnt, it was stupid, I could have gotten arrested. The cop was an undercover officer and he knew I was high. He even used me as an example. I didn't care. I just figured I would graduate, go to college, and get a good job. Actually, I thought I would be playing college or even pro ball. Not like that, but I didn't realize that. Everything was easy. Life was easy.
One time I was talking to another student at my school who also happened to live in my neighborhood. I can't remember what we were talking about, but I always think about something he said to me. He said "You are so lucky, it's like everything you touch turns to gold". I didn't really know what he meant. I think about that a lot. Sometimes I look at people and think, "man, they really have it together, I wish I had their life". However, I am sure they have their problems. Just like I had mine when that classmate said that to me. I am not sure why I have always remembered that, it just stuck with me. Not really as a compliment, I think about it more like that kid had no idea what my life is about. Even in high school when everything was easy, I still had worries. Mostly about passing my classes and graduating. I know I could have done a lot better I guess I was just too lazy and now I am paying the price. I am an electrician instead of a Lawyer. I took that gold and turned it into shit. I know people can be happy as electricians and plumbers it's all about what expectations you have for yourself. I never thought of myself as a guy who would work with his hands. I know I wasn't born to be an electrician, I am not really talented at it. I think I was just smart enough to be able to learn it. Some guys in the trade are passionate about it, they love being electricians. I don't, I do it to pay the bills. I thought I would be something better, make more money, hire electricians and guys like that. I didn't realize until it was too late that you had to work for it. Some people learn early on. I think those are the people that are successful. They start out with a purpose. If it is sports they want to do, they focus and get the most out of their talent. They get good grades in high school so that a college will want them. Nothing is easy. I looked around and saw all these people I knew getting all these things and accomplishing all these things and I think I thought it just happened for them. I didn't think about the fact that they worked really hard for something and made it happen. Good things don't just happen to people, people usually make good things happen for themselves. By the time I realized that I was already on the wrong track and it's hard to get off it. Now I have a giant struggle just to get on the right track let alone making a success of myself. Sounds kind of daunting, maybe I should just continue to be Uncle Rico, just kidding.
Peace

Del-Taco drive up window worker

Today was rough. Very rough. It was one of those days where everything felt like it was crashing down on me. Let me break it down for you. In a fourteen day period I usually will have one great day. One terrible day per week, two almost terrible days per week and the rest are just crummy. Sometimes I guess I will have an occasional okay day.
Let's see, today was the day that I really expected to get some action on the job search. I fired up the laptop with expectations of some very important reply emails. I got one "No thanks" and one "We definatly want to talk with you, but first you need to go to our website and check it out". That is a red flag. Sure enough, it was another light bulb sales job. They want you to pay them four hundred dollars to get started and I get the feeling that they want to talk to everybody who applies. I am drowning here. I keep putting off the inevitable, electrical work. I'm a freaking sparky. No matter what anybody says. It's easy to say "You can be whatever you put your mind to being, you just have to decide and do it." Bullshit. I can't afford to work my way up the company ladder of a company. I have three teenagers. Teenagers are very expensive, I'm not kidding.
I think the thing that I am the most worried about. Atleast it makes me want to cry when I think about it is embarrasing my kids. I don't want them to have to go without because their Dad doesn't have a job. I want to be solid like my Dad was for me. I didn't have to worry about shit. My kids have to worry about health insurance, ours sucks. If the girls get hurt or sick they are nervous to tell us. Except for Mandy, I think she likes it for some reason. We have never had dental insurance. My girls go once in a while. Only when they get a toothache.
Some days bad news just keeps coming. I keep waiting for the good news and occasionally it comes, but most of the time the bad news prevails. Let's see today the temporary license sticker on my truck expired and I can't get it to pass emmissions. My wife's car is now 30 days over due and she let me know in no uncertain terms I was to get it done soon. My 19 year old daughter's car's license is now overdue and my wife let me know that it is also my responsibility to take care of that, as a Dad. I got a letter that my crappy health insurance will be expiring soon. I also came to the realization that I am on my own. I can't find a good job but I have to provide for my family. I try to think of other things, like I said earlier, but obviously I need to be dealing with the problem. I only think of other things at night, when it's quiet and I have time to think. Or my mind has time to think for me. I recieved the news that my wife is completely out of money and her overdraft is maxed. She had a check declined at Wal-Mart, that will make anyone in a good mood. My 19 year old daughter spent her whole paycheck on clothes and a snow boarding outfit, she has no fuel in her car and she doesn't get paid for over a week. My sixteen year old daughter is out of money and out of fuel and she is scared to ask me for money, atleast that's what my wife said. All my girls want to change what they are for Halloween, they all need money to buy new costume's. That's ridiculous, I already paid for one I say, well, all their friends are getting them. What do I do? Just say sorry? You have to be what you said earlier and not what all your friends are going as? It's hard. But my hell, all three of them? It's not like they're little kids. I don't want them to be embarrassed or go without, I want them to feel normal and have things. If all their friends are going as pirates I guess I shouldn't force them to go as an angel because I already bought them a halo and wings, or maybe I should. My mom probably would have.
It just kept coming and coming yesterday. Today is a new day. I just got done with an interview. They wanted me to start asap. It is a call center, I always said I would never work at a call center. All the kids making tons of money, sitting on the phone all day. I would have to wear one of those little headsets like the drive-up window worker at Del-Taco. But I need work and some of them make a lot of cash. The benefits suck and it is minimum wage plus commission. Starting out could be tough and if I fail it will be real tough. We'll be totally broke at Christmas time. I'm scared. Atleast Michael Scott worked at a call center in the last episode of the "Office". He did quit at the end though.
Sorry if this entry is a little boring, well I know it is a little boring.
peace.

National Write Your Congressman

The National Write Your Congressman company would like to schedule me for an interview. It is for a sales position. I watched their introduction video to learn more about the company and what they do. It looks like a good company, might be a great place to work. Nice workplace, dress up for work every day. Seemed like really nice people from what I could tell and hey, I really need a job. Just one problem. What the hell do you sell for National Write Your Congressman. The little presentation didn't clear it up. From what I could tell it might be some kind of a newsletter that "Businesses and Professionals" subscribe to. Wow.
I am starting to freak out about the job search. I think the only responses I am getting from my resume are the scams. I am really close to start looking for the best electrical job I can find and just get to work. I am what I am. Who the hell am I kidding? I am an electrician. That is what I know how to do. Realistically, that is the only thing I am going to be able to make someone else money doing. If you don't make someone else money it is tough to keep a job. Problem is, how long will I be able to work as an electrician? As my wife says, I am very fragile. It's true, it sucks, but it's true. I get sore taking the garbage out to the street. I'm scared. My stomach hurts. It really hurts. At night I have to totally think about something else to be able to get to sleep. I literally have to pretend that I am a Major League baseball player or something. It's embarassing, but it's true. I'll think in my mind about how I just go to some try out and they can't believe it. So they sign me. They think I'm too old, even though I tell them I'm only 32. By the time they find out the truth, I am so valuable that it doesn't matter. In the press conference to announce my big fat contract the GM says " We know he's old, but he hasn't been playing ball, so his body doesn't have the wear and tear of other players".
I am not kidding, if I don't think of stuff like this, i would be up all night. It changes all the time. From team to team and from sport to sport depending on what season it is. I really shouldn't let anybody read this because I know it's kind of , well I don't know. It's what I have to do. If I keep talking about it I will start crying. It's still hard to sleep because the thoughts of reality fight there way back in. Some drugs would be nice. So then I start to freak out, how am I going to do it when I mix in the serious pain from working as an electrician. I'll tell you, one day I will wake up and say I can't take it anymore and make some calls and get high. I will get high. Shit.
These bedtime thoughts are just that, thoughts. Or maybe daydreams. they are definately not dreams because I am not asleep. Here is another one that I often use: I am out late just walking along a dark street lined with houses. All of a sudden I hear some cars driving really fast and sirens screaming in the night. I just so happen to be taking a leak behind a bush so I am out on sight. Just then a low-rider car comes flying around the corner and they throw a big duffel bag out of the car and into the bushes next to me. They don't see me. The driver says "remember where this is and I'll let two of you out next chance we get and come and get this. Don't lose this bag". There is swearing and stuff involved after all they are rough and tough gang bangers. I freeze. Just then two cop cars come flying around the corner. sirens blazing, and driving as fast as they can. They are radioing for more help. These thugs are bad, real bad. The gang guys were just trying to get far enough ahead to throw the evidence out the window and then they would let one or two guys out when they could, if they could to go back and get the stuff. If they didn't get the stuff they would likely end up dead anyway, even if they escaped from the coppers. No one saw me, not the gang bangers or the police. the cops didn't see the bad either. Hmmm, I wonder what was in it. I climb into the bush and retrieve the bag, wow it's really heavy. I look around, no one around. Plan the quickest way home and head out staying away from street lights. I don't head directly home, I need to think, I need to think this through. What are the implications of taking this bag? First, I need to know what 's in it. So I hurry home as fast as I can. Every one is asleep at home. I go into the basement and open the bag. There are five medium sized bags and two small bags inside the large bag. The medium size bags are full of one-hundred dollar bills. Sometimes it's 7.8 million dollars sometimes it17.8 million dollars. It changes all the time. Sometimes I buy things, sometimes I plan how I would handle the money without raising red flags for the IRS, the police and most of all the gang bangers. I even plan how I would do it without anyone knowing. sometimes I think about how I would act like I started a business and was actually successful. There is a lot of things to think about when you get money like that. You can't just deposit a bag full of 100 dollar bills, or can you. I also think about how I was far enough away when I found the money that the gang guys can't find me. I don't buy real nice stuff and flaunt it so they won't be suspicious. Sometimes I drive by and see them searching the neighborhood and questioning people. Scary huh? Oh, the other two bags, one is full of cocaine and the other is full of 80mg Oxycontin. I already know where I would hide the OC's. If I run out of money I would sell them and get rich that way. remember this is kind of a dream thing. In most of the dreams I flush the cocaine. sometimes I hide it with the OC's. I never take any of either.
Am I sick or what. That is what I have to think about to get to sleep. I have lot's of other little situations I use. If you are interested let me know and I will tell you some more of them. I do know that it probably isn't healthy but it is survival. I usually try to stick to sports, it's just more fun.
to all those reading this, remember, this is just between us. Especially if you think this is sick
peace.

The Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco. They needed a"Supervisor-Building Services" They sent me an email and don't even want to interview me. Wow. I can't even supervise the janitors. 3 freaking janitors at each location. What the hell. Now I am freaking out. I am officially looking for an electrician job. We'll see how I long I last in a position like that. I am freaking out. I can hardly type this. That was one of my back up jobs. I thought I was a no-brainer for that. shit. What am I going to do. This is the type of situation that my family doesn't understand. My family, my siblings i should say always get that interview and then always get that job. I come from an outstanding family. Very impressive. Maybe I will start sending all my siblings resume's in and act like it was a mistake. The HR department of the potential company can pass all the resume's around and just be astonished and then I will apologize and send them mine. I will win by association. Just like guilt by association.

Day 2

Today was the second day of my job training. The church has a good program. today seemed to be more helpful. They taught us "Power Statements" during class today. In fact, we spent most of the class on it. The whole thing seems so Narcicistic, or however you spell it. I thought that was a bad thing. Everything it "I" and "I can" it just seems weird that this stuff is what potential employers really want to hear. I know that I am not even close to an expert. I have never even really been through this process before. Now that I think about it, I really never have interviewed for a job before. It really makes me want to be self employed again. When I think of the prospect of not only finding a job, but then keeping a job while feeling like shit it makes me want to throw up. Can I do it? How long will it last? What will happen to me? Why can't I just get hurt real bad at work and collect workers comp for the rest of my life? Or sue somebody for millions of dollars? It works for some people. I know that I am stuck with a life of working. Oh well, that is the hand I have been dealt. Now I have to deal with it.
It's strange that I come from the same gene pool as my siblings. They are all so smart and successful. Everyone of them has a college degree and most of them a graduate degree. I worked as an electrician for about seventeen years. That is something that my brothers and sisters never would have considered doing in a million years. We are an educated family, except me. We are a very spiritual family, except me.
All my siblings, with the exception of one sister served missions. That is four sisters and two brothers that served missions. I know that my twin brother who didn't live long enough to would have served a successful mission. I don't hate my siblings for that, I am proud of that. I am proud to come from where I come from. I just don't get it. Why did I end up like this. Why me. Why am I so different. I was raised the same as them.
It is intellectually intimidating to be around my family. I know that my wife has a hard time with it. She is scared to play games with them. Her family was quite different than mine. Education and Church wasn't stressed so much to the girls. Their focus was cooking and nurturing, stuff like that. I guess every family is different. I always wonder what my children see in the two families. The differences, the similarities, which they think will lead to happiness. I tell them that each person has to find their own way. but I also tell them that I wish I would have done things much different.
The only important thing right now is finding a job. I can probably wait to worry about keeping a job until I have one. That's just how I am. Like my mother, I am a worrier. I have been through many sleepless nights. Starting a new job will surely lead to another one
well I have got to go search for a job now,
later.

job search

Today I started my training at the church's employment center. today seemed to be kind of a waste of time. I really loved the older couple teaching the class though. I really felt like they loved all of us in the class. I just didn't feel like I got any closer to getting a job that I would like. I guess my plan right now is to try to get a job that I love for now, if that doesn't happen in the next little while, I will have to take an electrical job. I guess a job that I would love would be some kind of sales/account manager type job. A lot like the job I just got laid off of.
today in the class we had to read some of out accomplishments from our last job to a partner. My partner just happened to be a successful sales manager who is recently retired. He is only taking the class so he can teach it while on his mission in Egypt. Where he just got called to serve. In one of my bullet point items I mentioned the name of my previous employer. It just so happened that my old boss was also in my partners ward and worse yet was his bishop until just a couple of months ago. Of course "Jim" my group partner starts gushing about what a great guy he is. I said "Well I thought so, until he laid me off". I really don't know if that was the right response. Everyone else in this little class wanted "Jim" to like them so much it made me sick. It was like "can I have jim critique me" "what does Jim think of this". Why do guys act like that about other people? I don't get it. I guess he deserves some respect but these guys were gushing all over him. I really didn't know how to react when he asked me about my old boss. I really don't think my opinion matters that much to Jim anyways. Considering where I am in life. At an unemployment training seminar sponsored by the church. He probably considers my a loser. I always tell myself, as long as my family loves and respects me, that is all I need. Well, that is not exactly the truth. That is just an easy thing to tell myself.
I think that I have always tried to surround myself with idiots so that I could feel smart or good about myself. You know kind of a king of the nerds syndrome or something. When I get around smart or successful people I think I get intimidated or nervous. I probably overdo it. that's wierd because the smartest person I know is my Father. I respect him more than anyone else I know. I think I act like myself around him, but I know that is because he respects me and believes in me. My dad has always believed in me, no matter how badly I have screwed up. He is incredible. If I have any testimony at all it is because of him. If a man like that, that smart, that logical can know the gospel is true beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is something there. There has to be. He is a scientist, yet he has complete faith in every aspect of the gospel and I just feel the spirit when I am with him. He is a strong man. The greatest man I know. If I could be half the man as him I would be happy. I want to make him proud more than anything in the world.
I am fighting a serious case of the blues. I am so nervous to interview for a job right now. I just don't know if I am up for it. I feel like the odds are getting stacked against me. The biggest problem is the drugs. I don't know if I can go through what I am going through with the dicking the drugs and finding a new job. What if a potential employer asks me to take a drug test. What do I tell them? How do I explain all of this? Most days I feel so shitty that I don't know if I can be effective in any position.
Well I will finish this later.

Saturdays

Today is Saturday. I love Saturdays. Saturdays are the only days that I feel like I am not getting behind. Losing ground in life. Not getting behind like I have all these emails to respond to or reports to write or even presentations to get ready. I mean like other Dads. They are staying home for the most part, and mowing the lawn or going to the zoo. Most of the time I work and try to make a little extra money. During the week however, all the other Dads have these great careers and are working towards this awesome retirement. They have their shit together. You know what I have for retirement? Nothing. Not a damn thing. I used to have a small 401k but I had to spend it after my first stint in rehab.
Two Thursdays ago, so I guess about nine days ago I got laid off my job. I actually loved my job. I was basically an outside salesman for a Service and Repair Electrical company. That meant that I would go around and meet people at lighting stores or hot tub stores and try to get them to refer our company when they made a sale. When they did refer us, I would reward them. I would take them tickets to movies or dinner, sometimes I would take them golfing or to lunch. It was awesome. I was good at it. I was finding new people all the time. What I would do was concentrate on one type of client at a time. For instance, I would call or visit all of the Property Management companies I could find and try to get new clients. The rest of my time was spent keeping the existing clients happy. I did trade shows and even traveled to St. Louis for training a couple times a year. Everything was great except for one thing. I was extremely addicted to Oxycontin. Most people won't even believe me when I tell them how much I was taking. However, I was getting every bit of it from a doctor. Random drug testing was so stressful. I can't even tell you.
I have been out of work for six working days. If I was still on OC I think I would still be employed and my old comp would still be kicking ass. As it is they are hurting. I admit it. When I tried to get off the drugs my work suffered. I sucked. As I was trying to figure out how to quit it was evident that I needed a doctors help and I needed to continue to work. while I was looking for dr.s I literally had to take my prescription bottles to get the dr. to believe what my daily doses were. We finally found a doc who would help. He would put me on a drug called Suboxone. It would take the place of the drugs. Once we got to his office he couldn't believe the amounts either. It would take some stepping down to get to the point that I could start on the Suboxone. I remember being so excited. I was still going to be able do OC's. Not the case. He put me on huge doses of Morphine. At first I was taking one, 200mg capsule 7-9 times a day. Plus, four 30mg oxycodone tablets a day, 60 mg of Cymbalta per day, Ambien, Kadien, Klonodine, and a bunch of others I can't even remember. I felt like shit. I wasn't really jonesing, but I wasn't myself. I no that no one agrees with me. but when I was on the OC, I was myself. I had taken it for so long that I think that my body just got used to having it in it's system. Not until I switched meds did I feel like an addict.
As far as how do I feel today. It's not good. I always have kind of a haze over my brain. I usually have a little headache.
Well I have to go now. I will finish later or tomorrow.
later.