book 1 of the Narco program was basically exercises to get you comfortable with yourself. Or as they put it "comfortable in your own skin". The first exercise is sitting perfectly still with eyes closed. Next is sitting with eyes open, looking directly into someone else's eyes. You cannot flinch, change expression, even look away. Any movement and you start over. At one point in the program you have to sit there for 2 or 4 hours straight in order to graduate. The eyes closed isn't so bad, but the eyes open is definately a challenge. The next drill was sitting directly across from a partner, look them directly in the eyes and say, exactly "do birds fly?" The other person could say anything, mostly they would try to be funny and try to distract the student asking the question. So if I was the student I would say "Do birds fly?" The other student would say, "Shut the hell up and quit bugging me. I would have to say again "Do birds fly?" over and over until I get some kind of an answer. Often the answer would be something stupid like "Only out there into the sand where they all die a bloody death". To that I reply, "Thank You" and repeat, "Do birds fly?" Until the instructor says stops the exercise. We did that one every day.
The next TR was a little more active. The student took his partner into the kitchen. The kitchen was more like a little hallway. We would stand at one end, I would put my hand on the other students shoulder or arm and say "Do you see that wall?" then I wait for a response, "Yes" next I say "now walk over to it" and I lead them over to the wall across the kitchen. It is only about 8' away. We stop at the wall. Next I say "Now touch the wall". After they touch the wall I instruct them "Now turn around" then I help them turn around and then it all start over again, "Do you see that wall?" The whole time the other student is "Bullbaiting" or trying to distract the student running the drill. My best tactic to make the student trying to lead was to sing "The sun will come out" from Little Orphan Annie, either in a British or an Asian accent. I would sing it really loudly. I was actually one of the best at making the other's laugh. The instructor would often have me be the subject when a student was trying to pass that one off. You see, we would practice these drills every day, but we all had to pass them off to an instructor to graduate. Most people would talk really dirty or use extremely foul language. Believe me, nothing was off limits in the classroom at this place.
During Book 1, I noticed other students pairing off and going into the back bedrooms. One student would have a notebook and a pen, it was wierd. I finally asked Stew about it. He was in charge of the classroom. He said "Don't worry about it yet, soon you will begin auditing and then you will be an auditor". I also saw a bunch of students making big, huge displays out of clay. The more questions I asked, the less they let me know. Stew said I had to learn in correct order or it wouldn't do me any good. Everything was based on the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, and he had the ultimate system for learning. They claimed that with his learning system everyone could learn. Even those with learning disabilities could get through school at grade level with no medication. In fact, if someone used all of L. Ron Hubbard's theories they would never need any medication for any reason. That is why Tom Cruise freaked out on Brooke Shields about taking medication for depression. Scientologists believe that there is something wrong in your life and you need to fix it, if you fix it what ails you will go away. So anyway, his big learning system. It is based on Misunderstood Words. L. Ron said that if you read something, anything, and you come across a word that you don't totally understand and keep reading that eventually you will become bored, or distracted, or even get a headache. If you keep reading after you pass a Misunderstood Word it's hard to understand the rest of what you read. You can even read the same chapter twice, if there is MW's in the text you won't understand what you have read. When in the Narco classroom, you must have a dictionary with you at all times. If anything is wrong, say you have a headache or need a drink, the instructors will say "Find the word and clear it." It got so annoying. They made us look up so many words. If we were reading something the instructors would come up to you and ask you how many words you have cleared and make you show them. Then they would look at what you were reading and ask you what a bunch of words mean. Stupid words, that are obvious, but you don't really know how to explain it. However, it actually works pretty well. It is just hard to sit there and look up all the words. But you sure learn a lot.
After Book 1, and after the Sauna, we spent a ton of time on Misunderstood Words. There is a whole book on it. It was probably the most important concept, next to the sauna treatment, in the Narconon program.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Normal
My wife often says to me "Why can't we just be normal", I reply "You know I am not normal and you knew I wasn't when you married me". After she says that I always get really depressed. I wish I could give her normal. I have tried, I'm not even sure what normal is. I do know what her normal is. Her normal is tough. Atleast in my opinion. It is a really nice house in a cute, exclusive city. I would have a 9-5 job and make about 180k per year and have perfect benefits. She would stay home and go shopping or out to lunch with friends or family. She would keep the house perfectly clean and cook great meals and do the laundry once or twice and week and on Sunday she would make a roast. I would maintain the yard and the cars, her SUV and my European sedan. I would be 2" taller and 30 lbs. thinner and I would cook a big breakfast every Sunday morning, and we would all be happy all the time.
When she says that, I think that is what she means, atleast that's how she acts. One time when I was really struggling our bishop said "Don't compare your private lives to other people's public lives". It's true, you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but I just find it hard to believe that anyone else has problems like mine. I am not sure what our public life looks like to others but I kind of doubt that anyone is pointing at us and saying "I wish we could live like them". I know that everyone has problems and everyone thinks their problems are insurmountable until they open their eyes and look around. You can always find someone who has it worse than you. It is easy, if I set my sights low, than I am doing alright. If I set my sights high than I am a complete failure. Is it better to associate with people with lower expectations so you feel better about yourself? Or are you better off setting your sights higher and hanging with people who expect more or want more out of life? Who knows. It's like in the movie "Sixteen Candles", the nerdy guy was "King of the Nerds". So when he was with them, he was cool. But, when he went to the party at Jake Ryan's house, he was in another league. All of a sudden he wasn't cool at all. He was a loser, or a dork, actually, I guess he would be a nerd.
There are basically three different types of guys. First, there is the basic college graduate. He is the guy who get's through college, maybe gets a masters degree and then get's a job. He works hard and gets a nice pension. Every job he takes he is sure to get great benefits and he is always stable as can be. It is a nice life this guy has, he is probably a good dad and has a good solid life. Second, is the entrepenuer (sp?). He may or may not have a college degree. Usually he has a degree, but his career has absolutely nothing to do with his education. He finished college because that was next. This guy always appears to be rich. He probably is rich. He is really nice and extremely smart and very motivated. The entrep is always talking about money or some new venture or investment. Always looking for the next big thing. He takes awesome vacations and drives killer cars, even if he isn't doing well financially at the time. It's all about appearance to this guy. He really isn't too worried about his retirement because he is sure that he will be filthy rich by then, and he probably will. The third guy is the blue collar guy. All it takes to make him happy is a new camp trailer and a good spot at the campground. He is a simple guy and very well could the most happy of all of them. Sometimes I wish I could be happy being just like the simple guy. but I seem to want more out of life. I want my kids to want more out of life. I am not sure what effect all my struggles will have on my kids. They have seen it all, probably more than most kids should be allowed to see. I just hope that they learn from my problems and don't repeat them. Oh, I had quite an episode at scouts this past Tuesday.
We meet on Tuesdays, before I left for scouts at six o'clock my wife tells me that her car has a flat tire. I knew this was coming because the tires are really bald but I haven't had the cash to replace them. The problem was that is was our only operating car besides my work truck. So I decided I would go down to Costco after scouts and get two new tires on the front of the car. I went to scouts and only two kids showed up and the other leader. He wanted to go over all the requirements for the year and get the two kids up to date which meant we would have had to stay later than the normal seven p.m. I said "I don't know if that will work for me, I have to go to Costco and get some tires on a car". Brandon, the other leader, "No problem, we'll follow you down there and just have our meeting at one of the tables and have a Churro while we do our work and wait for your car". I couldn't think of an excuse or a reason why this wouldn't work, I just wanted him to say, "go ahead, no problem, we'll see you next week". So I hurried and borrowed an air compressor and pumped the flat tire up and we hurried down to the Costco's. Unfortunately, some stupid company was having their Christmas party there. So every stupid table and then some were taken. So Brandon was standing right next to me while I was talking to the tire guy. The Costco guy, who happened to be a dwarf who thinks he's tough, "Well, you have a 4-wheel drive vehicle here sir, as company policy we cannot just replace two tires, we have to replace all 4 at the same time, and from looking at your tires, they look like they all need it real bad". Thanks buddy. Of couse they didn't have the cheapest ones in stock and those weren't that cheap. I tried to talk him into just doing the two front tires and moving them to the back of the car, but he wasn't budging on the policy. So finally, going on the dwarf and the scout leader's recomendation I went with the next cheapest set of four. So with Brandon standing directly next to me, Mr. Dwarf ran my Debit card, surprise, surprise it was rejected. At that point he wasnt that excited about taking a check either. Brandon offered to lend me some money, I didn't know what to do. I was really embarrased. The whole Ward knew that I had been layed off and was out of work so Brandon was probably feeling really bad for me. How freaking pitiful. So I asked midget man if he could just patch the leak if the tire? Of course they were too bald, they just couldn't be salvaged. So I said "Brandon, how about those Churro's? The boys are probably going crazy", which they weren't. They were loving it, Running wild in the Costco. So he mercifully went out and bought some Churro's, he even bought me one and wouldn't let me pay him back, brutal. I went out and looked at my car and said, "well it looks like it is actually holding air, I think it will be okay until my wife get's home and then I will get some tires and pay with her account, that's the one we normally use". Brandon didn't buy it, the dwarf didn't buy it, I didnt' buy it, even the two eleven year old scouts didn't buy it. It was the best I could come up with at the time. Oh well. So every night I take the car down to the gas station and fill it up with air, no problem. Then on Sunday the Elder's quorum president came up to me and had some questions. You can imagine what those were, I can't go over them or I will start to cry and I don't want to cry right now, so I am going to go.
Peace.
When she says that, I think that is what she means, atleast that's how she acts. One time when I was really struggling our bishop said "Don't compare your private lives to other people's public lives". It's true, you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but I just find it hard to believe that anyone else has problems like mine. I am not sure what our public life looks like to others but I kind of doubt that anyone is pointing at us and saying "I wish we could live like them". I know that everyone has problems and everyone thinks their problems are insurmountable until they open their eyes and look around. You can always find someone who has it worse than you. It is easy, if I set my sights low, than I am doing alright. If I set my sights high than I am a complete failure. Is it better to associate with people with lower expectations so you feel better about yourself? Or are you better off setting your sights higher and hanging with people who expect more or want more out of life? Who knows. It's like in the movie "Sixteen Candles", the nerdy guy was "King of the Nerds". So when he was with them, he was cool. But, when he went to the party at Jake Ryan's house, he was in another league. All of a sudden he wasn't cool at all. He was a loser, or a dork, actually, I guess he would be a nerd.
There are basically three different types of guys. First, there is the basic college graduate. He is the guy who get's through college, maybe gets a masters degree and then get's a job. He works hard and gets a nice pension. Every job he takes he is sure to get great benefits and he is always stable as can be. It is a nice life this guy has, he is probably a good dad and has a good solid life. Second, is the entrepenuer (sp?). He may or may not have a college degree. Usually he has a degree, but his career has absolutely nothing to do with his education. He finished college because that was next. This guy always appears to be rich. He probably is rich. He is really nice and extremely smart and very motivated. The entrep is always talking about money or some new venture or investment. Always looking for the next big thing. He takes awesome vacations and drives killer cars, even if he isn't doing well financially at the time. It's all about appearance to this guy. He really isn't too worried about his retirement because he is sure that he will be filthy rich by then, and he probably will. The third guy is the blue collar guy. All it takes to make him happy is a new camp trailer and a good spot at the campground. He is a simple guy and very well could the most happy of all of them. Sometimes I wish I could be happy being just like the simple guy. but I seem to want more out of life. I want my kids to want more out of life. I am not sure what effect all my struggles will have on my kids. They have seen it all, probably more than most kids should be allowed to see. I just hope that they learn from my problems and don't repeat them. Oh, I had quite an episode at scouts this past Tuesday.
We meet on Tuesdays, before I left for scouts at six o'clock my wife tells me that her car has a flat tire. I knew this was coming because the tires are really bald but I haven't had the cash to replace them. The problem was that is was our only operating car besides my work truck. So I decided I would go down to Costco after scouts and get two new tires on the front of the car. I went to scouts and only two kids showed up and the other leader. He wanted to go over all the requirements for the year and get the two kids up to date which meant we would have had to stay later than the normal seven p.m. I said "I don't know if that will work for me, I have to go to Costco and get some tires on a car". Brandon, the other leader, "No problem, we'll follow you down there and just have our meeting at one of the tables and have a Churro while we do our work and wait for your car". I couldn't think of an excuse or a reason why this wouldn't work, I just wanted him to say, "go ahead, no problem, we'll see you next week". So I hurried and borrowed an air compressor and pumped the flat tire up and we hurried down to the Costco's. Unfortunately, some stupid company was having their Christmas party there. So every stupid table and then some were taken. So Brandon was standing right next to me while I was talking to the tire guy. The Costco guy, who happened to be a dwarf who thinks he's tough, "Well, you have a 4-wheel drive vehicle here sir, as company policy we cannot just replace two tires, we have to replace all 4 at the same time, and from looking at your tires, they look like they all need it real bad". Thanks buddy. Of couse they didn't have the cheapest ones in stock and those weren't that cheap. I tried to talk him into just doing the two front tires and moving them to the back of the car, but he wasn't budging on the policy. So finally, going on the dwarf and the scout leader's recomendation I went with the next cheapest set of four. So with Brandon standing directly next to me, Mr. Dwarf ran my Debit card, surprise, surprise it was rejected. At that point he wasnt that excited about taking a check either. Brandon offered to lend me some money, I didn't know what to do. I was really embarrased. The whole Ward knew that I had been layed off and was out of work so Brandon was probably feeling really bad for me. How freaking pitiful. So I asked midget man if he could just patch the leak if the tire? Of course they were too bald, they just couldn't be salvaged. So I said "Brandon, how about those Churro's? The boys are probably going crazy", which they weren't. They were loving it, Running wild in the Costco. So he mercifully went out and bought some Churro's, he even bought me one and wouldn't let me pay him back, brutal. I went out and looked at my car and said, "well it looks like it is actually holding air, I think it will be okay until my wife get's home and then I will get some tires and pay with her account, that's the one we normally use". Brandon didn't buy it, the dwarf didn't buy it, I didnt' buy it, even the two eleven year old scouts didn't buy it. It was the best I could come up with at the time. Oh well. So every night I take the car down to the gas station and fill it up with air, no problem. Then on Sunday the Elder's quorum president came up to me and had some questions. You can imagine what those were, I can't go over them or I will start to cry and I don't want to cry right now, so I am going to go.
Peace.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
The Deer Hunt
When I was in High School I think I was like most teenagers. Go to school, go to church,maybe some extra-curricular activities after school. But the most important thing at that age is friends. I see it in my kids. My oldest daughter went through it when she was in school and now my middle daughter seems to focus all her attention on her friends and "hanging out". So I understand. I am even okay with it if they have good friends and I think at this point they do. With my oldest daughter it was tough. I remember the feelings of always wondering why she never wants to be home or with her family. It has really made it easier with my next daughter. I love it when I tell them "Believe me, I have been through all this stuff you are going through. I can remember what it is like". They look at me like a total alien. Man that makes me feel old.
I thought I had a real great group of friends in High School. They were so important to me and I thought that we would all be so close all of our lives. Well it hasn't worked out that way, which I have learned is much more common than I thought. I remain close with two friends. One I consider my "Best Friend" and the other I kind of think of more like a brother. I love both of them, but I seem to get into trouble with the "Best Friend" quite a bit. Or atleast everyone says so. His name is Brian and we are probably better for each other than our friends and family think. I will admit I have gotten in some trouble when I was with Brian but my hardcore drug use had nothing to do with him. The times that I have reached real lows in my life on account of the addiction I was a loner to be sure. In fact, I would purposely avoid both of my friends, Brian and my "brother" friend Doug. It is hard to have people who you respect and care about see you so vulnerable and messed up. I ignored a lot of voice mails in those days, from friends and family.
Before I entered my first rehab, in fact before my addiction became a real problem I recall a time that Brian and I were planning to go deer hunting. It would have been our third year in a row going together, just the two of us. The first year we went together we both got a deer and to be honest I really had no desire to shoot another one. The next year the deer hunt was around 6 months after I started my business and I was doing well financially. The morning of the hunt I went to the nearest Honda dealership and bought a brand new 4-wheeler for the hunt. That year we were hunting near Logan Utah. The first year we had really gone all out. We went scouting for deer and we camped way up in the mountains right in the thick of things. So the second year we decided to get a hotel room in Logan and maybe take it a little easy. We basically got up in the morning and rode ATV's around the hills for awhile. Around 4 p.m. we would load up, head back to the room, get a shower and go to a nice restaurant for dinner. The first year we were in tents, up at 5:30 a.m. in our predetermined hunting spots. Then we hunted all day long and cooked our dinner over the fire at night. The second year we didn't even leave the hotel in the morning until after 9:30 a.m. We were not going to shoot any more bucks and that was alright with us. We were just having some fun. We were mixing a lot more drinking and taking drugs into our hunting experience. I don't think either of us really wanted to shoot another deer since we had both bagged bucks in the past and it is a lot of work.
So the third year in a row we are getting ready for the hunt. The only deer tags from the state left were in the North portion of the state. We wanted to go South. We decided we would go as far south as we could and still stay in the zone our permits allowed. Somehow we both ended up bringing our golf clubs and golf clothes. I don't think I even took a rifle. Brian picked me up and we loaded my 4-wheeler along side his and threw some token camping gear on the trailer.
We headed down I-15 headed South. We got to Nephi and decided to go West into the mountains and check for any signs of good deer hunting. As we got up the canyon we found a nice looking dirt road heading back to the North. The road was leading us up into real nice deer country, after about 6 miles on the dirt road I said, kind of as a conversation starter, "you know B, I really have no desire to shoot a deer this year". He slammed on the brakes. "I don't either", he responded and it took us about 30 seconds to decide where to go. Las Vegas. A little golf a little gambling and free drinks. Sounds like my kind of hunting. Both of our families thought we were out camping in a tent in the mountain and hiking in the wilderness looking for Bambi. Actually we were having quite a nice little vacation in Nevada living the good life. It was awesome.
That same week my nephew was playing in the Utah High School football playoffs. His team was playing a school from St. George Utah. St. George is approximately an hour and a half North of Vegas and about thirty minutes North of Mesquite, Nevada. I had no idea but my sister was unable to obtain a room in St. George because it was so crowded there that weekend. So Karen, my sister and her family ended up getting a room in nearby Mesquite. Karen is my oldest sister and I feel a kindred spirit to me. I know she had her moments while growing up, in a good Mormon house hold. The rest of our sibling were really focused on the church and excelled in school. Karen was no where close to the level I was but I always felt she kind of knew what I was thinking or doing. She is really close to the Lord and has a strong testimony of the Church now, but I just think she had her moments.
The second night Brian and I finished a nice round of golf. We were going to get cleaned up and go down to the casino and hit it. I suggested to Brian "You know, I never win shit in Vegas, I seem to have much better luck in Mesquite". I think Brian wanted to stay in Vegas, but he agreed and we packed up and left Las Vegas and checked into a room at the Virgin River Hotel and Casino in Mesquite, Nevada. We ate dinner in Mesquite, had a few cocktails and then hit the floor. We played a little BlackJack, then went to the Roulette wheel. At the time that was my game, I just seemed to have great luck on roulette. So I am kicking ass. I was up atleast $500 or $600, which is a lot for me because I am not a huge better. I was really getting into it. Betting more and more with each roll of the marble and drinking a lot of beer to go along with all the pills I was taking. I was ripped. Brian and I were laughing and having a great time with other players at the table. Everyone was having fun and laughing and getting real drunk.
I had a thing that I did each time while the wheel was spinning. I would look at a certain Football Helmet over at the Sportsbook and I never looked at the wheel until it stopped turning. The Sports Book was directly next to one of the main exits in and out of the Virgin River. I had just gotten another beer, Bud Light, I made my bet. I was betting very heavy at this point, I was rolling. I was playing about 10 numbers and several side of number bets plus several outside bets. The dealer spun the marble, I looked at my spot, I heard the wheel stop and the marble settle into it's number slot. I heard the other players react to the result. I went to turn my head and attention back to the table when something just barely caught my eye as I turned and I took a double take back to the exit. It was my sister and her family. My eyes went directly to hers and hers to mine. Our eyes locked for sure. There was no where to run, nowhere to hide. I was busted. Karen walked right up to the table, "Oh my gosh Sam, I thought you were deer hunting, what are you doing here?" At this point she was happy to see me. As soon as Brian saw what was going on he grabbed my beer and slid over to his other side so at the very least Karen would think it was his and hopefully not see it at all. Then it happened, she looked at the table. the smile quickly left her face and she was like "come on you guys, let's go. Right now" to her family. She was hoping they wouldn't notice exactly what was going on. I am sure I didn't look normal. She didn't even allow me to say hi to her twins, she just grabbed the girls and they were on their way to there room. Shit, I was so busted. I was totally sick to my stomach. It was bad enough that I was in Nevada gambling, but I was also drinking and basically drunk. I skipped the next couple of rolls and just sat there. Brian was asking me questions but I wasn't answering. I was trying to comprehend what had just happened and what the repercussions were going to be. I think I just kept repeating the same cuss word over and over. Brian was surely bummed out, we just had a huge damper put on our night, in fact our whole trip. I cashed my chips in and we went to the room. I needed to get high, higher. Then out of desperation, while we were in our room I called Karens room, "Hey, you didn't stay very long. Do you guys want to go bowling with us? That is what we are going to do. We don't really have anything else to do". Karen just laughed and said "No thanks"
I really can't remember if I asked her not to tell my wife or not. But she didn't until after I entered my first rehab. That was really cool of her. I think this was the point in my life where I realized that I wasn't getting my shit together like the rest of my old friends. I think I thought I was still in High School. Like everything was going to be easy and it would just happen for me. The truth is, I was already in trouble at that point.
Oh well, the things us addicts do, stupid.
Peace.
I thought I had a real great group of friends in High School. They were so important to me and I thought that we would all be so close all of our lives. Well it hasn't worked out that way, which I have learned is much more common than I thought. I remain close with two friends. One I consider my "Best Friend" and the other I kind of think of more like a brother. I love both of them, but I seem to get into trouble with the "Best Friend" quite a bit. Or atleast everyone says so. His name is Brian and we are probably better for each other than our friends and family think. I will admit I have gotten in some trouble when I was with Brian but my hardcore drug use had nothing to do with him. The times that I have reached real lows in my life on account of the addiction I was a loner to be sure. In fact, I would purposely avoid both of my friends, Brian and my "brother" friend Doug. It is hard to have people who you respect and care about see you so vulnerable and messed up. I ignored a lot of voice mails in those days, from friends and family.
Before I entered my first rehab, in fact before my addiction became a real problem I recall a time that Brian and I were planning to go deer hunting. It would have been our third year in a row going together, just the two of us. The first year we went together we both got a deer and to be honest I really had no desire to shoot another one. The next year the deer hunt was around 6 months after I started my business and I was doing well financially. The morning of the hunt I went to the nearest Honda dealership and bought a brand new 4-wheeler for the hunt. That year we were hunting near Logan Utah. The first year we had really gone all out. We went scouting for deer and we camped way up in the mountains right in the thick of things. So the second year we decided to get a hotel room in Logan and maybe take it a little easy. We basically got up in the morning and rode ATV's around the hills for awhile. Around 4 p.m. we would load up, head back to the room, get a shower and go to a nice restaurant for dinner. The first year we were in tents, up at 5:30 a.m. in our predetermined hunting spots. Then we hunted all day long and cooked our dinner over the fire at night. The second year we didn't even leave the hotel in the morning until after 9:30 a.m. We were not going to shoot any more bucks and that was alright with us. We were just having some fun. We were mixing a lot more drinking and taking drugs into our hunting experience. I don't think either of us really wanted to shoot another deer since we had both bagged bucks in the past and it is a lot of work.
So the third year in a row we are getting ready for the hunt. The only deer tags from the state left were in the North portion of the state. We wanted to go South. We decided we would go as far south as we could and still stay in the zone our permits allowed. Somehow we both ended up bringing our golf clubs and golf clothes. I don't think I even took a rifle. Brian picked me up and we loaded my 4-wheeler along side his and threw some token camping gear on the trailer.
We headed down I-15 headed South. We got to Nephi and decided to go West into the mountains and check for any signs of good deer hunting. As we got up the canyon we found a nice looking dirt road heading back to the North. The road was leading us up into real nice deer country, after about 6 miles on the dirt road I said, kind of as a conversation starter, "you know B, I really have no desire to shoot a deer this year". He slammed on the brakes. "I don't either", he responded and it took us about 30 seconds to decide where to go. Las Vegas. A little golf a little gambling and free drinks. Sounds like my kind of hunting. Both of our families thought we were out camping in a tent in the mountain and hiking in the wilderness looking for Bambi. Actually we were having quite a nice little vacation in Nevada living the good life. It was awesome.
That same week my nephew was playing in the Utah High School football playoffs. His team was playing a school from St. George Utah. St. George is approximately an hour and a half North of Vegas and about thirty minutes North of Mesquite, Nevada. I had no idea but my sister was unable to obtain a room in St. George because it was so crowded there that weekend. So Karen, my sister and her family ended up getting a room in nearby Mesquite. Karen is my oldest sister and I feel a kindred spirit to me. I know she had her moments while growing up, in a good Mormon house hold. The rest of our sibling were really focused on the church and excelled in school. Karen was no where close to the level I was but I always felt she kind of knew what I was thinking or doing. She is really close to the Lord and has a strong testimony of the Church now, but I just think she had her moments.
The second night Brian and I finished a nice round of golf. We were going to get cleaned up and go down to the casino and hit it. I suggested to Brian "You know, I never win shit in Vegas, I seem to have much better luck in Mesquite". I think Brian wanted to stay in Vegas, but he agreed and we packed up and left Las Vegas and checked into a room at the Virgin River Hotel and Casino in Mesquite, Nevada. We ate dinner in Mesquite, had a few cocktails and then hit the floor. We played a little BlackJack, then went to the Roulette wheel. At the time that was my game, I just seemed to have great luck on roulette. So I am kicking ass. I was up atleast $500 or $600, which is a lot for me because I am not a huge better. I was really getting into it. Betting more and more with each roll of the marble and drinking a lot of beer to go along with all the pills I was taking. I was ripped. Brian and I were laughing and having a great time with other players at the table. Everyone was having fun and laughing and getting real drunk.
I had a thing that I did each time while the wheel was spinning. I would look at a certain Football Helmet over at the Sportsbook and I never looked at the wheel until it stopped turning. The Sports Book was directly next to one of the main exits in and out of the Virgin River. I had just gotten another beer, Bud Light, I made my bet. I was betting very heavy at this point, I was rolling. I was playing about 10 numbers and several side of number bets plus several outside bets. The dealer spun the marble, I looked at my spot, I heard the wheel stop and the marble settle into it's number slot. I heard the other players react to the result. I went to turn my head and attention back to the table when something just barely caught my eye as I turned and I took a double take back to the exit. It was my sister and her family. My eyes went directly to hers and hers to mine. Our eyes locked for sure. There was no where to run, nowhere to hide. I was busted. Karen walked right up to the table, "Oh my gosh Sam, I thought you were deer hunting, what are you doing here?" At this point she was happy to see me. As soon as Brian saw what was going on he grabbed my beer and slid over to his other side so at the very least Karen would think it was his and hopefully not see it at all. Then it happened, she looked at the table. the smile quickly left her face and she was like "come on you guys, let's go. Right now" to her family. She was hoping they wouldn't notice exactly what was going on. I am sure I didn't look normal. She didn't even allow me to say hi to her twins, she just grabbed the girls and they were on their way to there room. Shit, I was so busted. I was totally sick to my stomach. It was bad enough that I was in Nevada gambling, but I was also drinking and basically drunk. I skipped the next couple of rolls and just sat there. Brian was asking me questions but I wasn't answering. I was trying to comprehend what had just happened and what the repercussions were going to be. I think I just kept repeating the same cuss word over and over. Brian was surely bummed out, we just had a huge damper put on our night, in fact our whole trip. I cashed my chips in and we went to the room. I needed to get high, higher. Then out of desperation, while we were in our room I called Karens room, "Hey, you didn't stay very long. Do you guys want to go bowling with us? That is what we are going to do. We don't really have anything else to do". Karen just laughed and said "No thanks"
I really can't remember if I asked her not to tell my wife or not. But she didn't until after I entered my first rehab. That was really cool of her. I think this was the point in my life where I realized that I wasn't getting my shit together like the rest of my old friends. I think I thought I was still in High School. Like everything was going to be easy and it would just happen for me. The truth is, I was already in trouble at that point.
Oh well, the things us addicts do, stupid.
Peace.
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