Today was rough. Very rough. It was one of those days where everything felt like it was crashing down on me. Let me break it down for you. In a fourteen day period I usually will have one great day. One terrible day per week, two almost terrible days per week and the rest are just crummy. Sometimes I guess I will have an occasional okay day.
Let's see, today was the day that I really expected to get some action on the job search. I fired up the laptop with expectations of some very important reply emails. I got one "No thanks" and one "We definatly want to talk with you, but first you need to go to our website and check it out". That is a red flag. Sure enough, it was another light bulb sales job. They want you to pay them four hundred dollars to get started and I get the feeling that they want to talk to everybody who applies. I am drowning here. I keep putting off the inevitable, electrical work. I'm a freaking sparky. No matter what anybody says. It's easy to say "You can be whatever you put your mind to being, you just have to decide and do it." Bullshit. I can't afford to work my way up the company ladder of a company. I have three teenagers. Teenagers are very expensive, I'm not kidding.
I think the thing that I am the most worried about. Atleast it makes me want to cry when I think about it is embarrasing my kids. I don't want them to have to go without because their Dad doesn't have a job. I want to be solid like my Dad was for me. I didn't have to worry about shit. My kids have to worry about health insurance, ours sucks. If the girls get hurt or sick they are nervous to tell us. Except for Mandy, I think she likes it for some reason. We have never had dental insurance. My girls go once in a while. Only when they get a toothache.
Some days bad news just keeps coming. I keep waiting for the good news and occasionally it comes, but most of the time the bad news prevails. Let's see today the temporary license sticker on my truck expired and I can't get it to pass emmissions. My wife's car is now 30 days over due and she let me know in no uncertain terms I was to get it done soon. My 19 year old daughter's car's license is now overdue and my wife let me know that it is also my responsibility to take care of that, as a Dad. I got a letter that my crappy health insurance will be expiring soon. I also came to the realization that I am on my own. I can't find a good job but I have to provide for my family. I try to think of other things, like I said earlier, but obviously I need to be dealing with the problem. I only think of other things at night, when it's quiet and I have time to think. Or my mind has time to think for me. I recieved the news that my wife is completely out of money and her overdraft is maxed. She had a check declined at Wal-Mart, that will make anyone in a good mood. My 19 year old daughter spent her whole paycheck on clothes and a snow boarding outfit, she has no fuel in her car and she doesn't get paid for over a week. My sixteen year old daughter is out of money and out of fuel and she is scared to ask me for money, atleast that's what my wife said. All my girls want to change what they are for Halloween, they all need money to buy new costume's. That's ridiculous, I already paid for one I say, well, all their friends are getting them. What do I do? Just say sorry? You have to be what you said earlier and not what all your friends are going as? It's hard. But my hell, all three of them? It's not like they're little kids. I don't want them to be embarrassed or go without, I want them to feel normal and have things. If all their friends are going as pirates I guess I shouldn't force them to go as an angel because I already bought them a halo and wings, or maybe I should. My mom probably would have.
It just kept coming and coming yesterday. Today is a new day. I just got done with an interview. They wanted me to start asap. It is a call center, I always said I would never work at a call center. All the kids making tons of money, sitting on the phone all day. I would have to wear one of those little headsets like the drive-up window worker at Del-Taco. But I need work and some of them make a lot of cash. The benefits suck and it is minimum wage plus commission. Starting out could be tough and if I fail it will be real tough. We'll be totally broke at Christmas time. I'm scared. Atleast Michael Scott worked at a call center in the last episode of the "Office". He did quit at the end though.
Sorry if this entry is a little boring, well I know it is a little boring.
peace.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
National Write Your Congressman
The National Write Your Congressman company would like to schedule me for an interview. It is for a sales position. I watched their introduction video to learn more about the company and what they do. It looks like a good company, might be a great place to work. Nice workplace, dress up for work every day. Seemed like really nice people from what I could tell and hey, I really need a job. Just one problem. What the hell do you sell for National Write Your Congressman. The little presentation didn't clear it up. From what I could tell it might be some kind of a newsletter that "Businesses and Professionals" subscribe to. Wow.
I am starting to freak out about the job search. I think the only responses I am getting from my resume are the scams. I am really close to start looking for the best electrical job I can find and just get to work. I am what I am. Who the hell am I kidding? I am an electrician. That is what I know how to do. Realistically, that is the only thing I am going to be able to make someone else money doing. If you don't make someone else money it is tough to keep a job. Problem is, how long will I be able to work as an electrician? As my wife says, I am very fragile. It's true, it sucks, but it's true. I get sore taking the garbage out to the street. I'm scared. My stomach hurts. It really hurts. At night I have to totally think about something else to be able to get to sleep. I literally have to pretend that I am a Major League baseball player or something. It's embarassing, but it's true. I'll think in my mind about how I just go to some try out and they can't believe it. So they sign me. They think I'm too old, even though I tell them I'm only 32. By the time they find out the truth, I am so valuable that it doesn't matter. In the press conference to announce my big fat contract the GM says " We know he's old, but he hasn't been playing ball, so his body doesn't have the wear and tear of other players".
I am not kidding, if I don't think of stuff like this, i would be up all night. It changes all the time. From team to team and from sport to sport depending on what season it is. I really shouldn't let anybody read this because I know it's kind of , well I don't know. It's what I have to do. If I keep talking about it I will start crying. It's still hard to sleep because the thoughts of reality fight there way back in. Some drugs would be nice. So then I start to freak out, how am I going to do it when I mix in the serious pain from working as an electrician. I'll tell you, one day I will wake up and say I can't take it anymore and make some calls and get high. I will get high. Shit.
These bedtime thoughts are just that, thoughts. Or maybe daydreams. they are definately not dreams because I am not asleep. Here is another one that I often use: I am out late just walking along a dark street lined with houses. All of a sudden I hear some cars driving really fast and sirens screaming in the night. I just so happen to be taking a leak behind a bush so I am out on sight. Just then a low-rider car comes flying around the corner and they throw a big duffel bag out of the car and into the bushes next to me. They don't see me. The driver says "remember where this is and I'll let two of you out next chance we get and come and get this. Don't lose this bag". There is swearing and stuff involved after all they are rough and tough gang bangers. I freeze. Just then two cop cars come flying around the corner. sirens blazing, and driving as fast as they can. They are radioing for more help. These thugs are bad, real bad. The gang guys were just trying to get far enough ahead to throw the evidence out the window and then they would let one or two guys out when they could, if they could to go back and get the stuff. If they didn't get the stuff they would likely end up dead anyway, even if they escaped from the coppers. No one saw me, not the gang bangers or the police. the cops didn't see the bad either. Hmmm, I wonder what was in it. I climb into the bush and retrieve the bag, wow it's really heavy. I look around, no one around. Plan the quickest way home and head out staying away from street lights. I don't head directly home, I need to think, I need to think this through. What are the implications of taking this bag? First, I need to know what 's in it. So I hurry home as fast as I can. Every one is asleep at home. I go into the basement and open the bag. There are five medium sized bags and two small bags inside the large bag. The medium size bags are full of one-hundred dollar bills. Sometimes it's 7.8 million dollars sometimes it17.8 million dollars. It changes all the time. Sometimes I buy things, sometimes I plan how I would handle the money without raising red flags for the IRS, the police and most of all the gang bangers. I even plan how I would do it without anyone knowing. sometimes I think about how I would act like I started a business and was actually successful. There is a lot of things to think about when you get money like that. You can't just deposit a bag full of 100 dollar bills, or can you. I also think about how I was far enough away when I found the money that the gang guys can't find me. I don't buy real nice stuff and flaunt it so they won't be suspicious. Sometimes I drive by and see them searching the neighborhood and questioning people. Scary huh? Oh, the other two bags, one is full of cocaine and the other is full of 80mg Oxycontin. I already know where I would hide the OC's. If I run out of money I would sell them and get rich that way. remember this is kind of a dream thing. In most of the dreams I flush the cocaine. sometimes I hide it with the OC's. I never take any of either.
Am I sick or what. That is what I have to think about to get to sleep. I have lot's of other little situations I use. If you are interested let me know and I will tell you some more of them. I do know that it probably isn't healthy but it is survival. I usually try to stick to sports, it's just more fun.
to all those reading this, remember, this is just between us. Especially if you think this is sick
peace.
I am starting to freak out about the job search. I think the only responses I am getting from my resume are the scams. I am really close to start looking for the best electrical job I can find and just get to work. I am what I am. Who the hell am I kidding? I am an electrician. That is what I know how to do. Realistically, that is the only thing I am going to be able to make someone else money doing. If you don't make someone else money it is tough to keep a job. Problem is, how long will I be able to work as an electrician? As my wife says, I am very fragile. It's true, it sucks, but it's true. I get sore taking the garbage out to the street. I'm scared. My stomach hurts. It really hurts. At night I have to totally think about something else to be able to get to sleep. I literally have to pretend that I am a Major League baseball player or something. It's embarassing, but it's true. I'll think in my mind about how I just go to some try out and they can't believe it. So they sign me. They think I'm too old, even though I tell them I'm only 32. By the time they find out the truth, I am so valuable that it doesn't matter. In the press conference to announce my big fat contract the GM says " We know he's old, but he hasn't been playing ball, so his body doesn't have the wear and tear of other players".
I am not kidding, if I don't think of stuff like this, i would be up all night. It changes all the time. From team to team and from sport to sport depending on what season it is. I really shouldn't let anybody read this because I know it's kind of , well I don't know. It's what I have to do. If I keep talking about it I will start crying. It's still hard to sleep because the thoughts of reality fight there way back in. Some drugs would be nice. So then I start to freak out, how am I going to do it when I mix in the serious pain from working as an electrician. I'll tell you, one day I will wake up and say I can't take it anymore and make some calls and get high. I will get high. Shit.
These bedtime thoughts are just that, thoughts. Or maybe daydreams. they are definately not dreams because I am not asleep. Here is another one that I often use: I am out late just walking along a dark street lined with houses. All of a sudden I hear some cars driving really fast and sirens screaming in the night. I just so happen to be taking a leak behind a bush so I am out on sight. Just then a low-rider car comes flying around the corner and they throw a big duffel bag out of the car and into the bushes next to me. They don't see me. The driver says "remember where this is and I'll let two of you out next chance we get and come and get this. Don't lose this bag". There is swearing and stuff involved after all they are rough and tough gang bangers. I freeze. Just then two cop cars come flying around the corner. sirens blazing, and driving as fast as they can. They are radioing for more help. These thugs are bad, real bad. The gang guys were just trying to get far enough ahead to throw the evidence out the window and then they would let one or two guys out when they could, if they could to go back and get the stuff. If they didn't get the stuff they would likely end up dead anyway, even if they escaped from the coppers. No one saw me, not the gang bangers or the police. the cops didn't see the bad either. Hmmm, I wonder what was in it. I climb into the bush and retrieve the bag, wow it's really heavy. I look around, no one around. Plan the quickest way home and head out staying away from street lights. I don't head directly home, I need to think, I need to think this through. What are the implications of taking this bag? First, I need to know what 's in it. So I hurry home as fast as I can. Every one is asleep at home. I go into the basement and open the bag. There are five medium sized bags and two small bags inside the large bag. The medium size bags are full of one-hundred dollar bills. Sometimes it's 7.8 million dollars sometimes it17.8 million dollars. It changes all the time. Sometimes I buy things, sometimes I plan how I would handle the money without raising red flags for the IRS, the police and most of all the gang bangers. I even plan how I would do it without anyone knowing. sometimes I think about how I would act like I started a business and was actually successful. There is a lot of things to think about when you get money like that. You can't just deposit a bag full of 100 dollar bills, or can you. I also think about how I was far enough away when I found the money that the gang guys can't find me. I don't buy real nice stuff and flaunt it so they won't be suspicious. Sometimes I drive by and see them searching the neighborhood and questioning people. Scary huh? Oh, the other two bags, one is full of cocaine and the other is full of 80mg Oxycontin. I already know where I would hide the OC's. If I run out of money I would sell them and get rich that way. remember this is kind of a dream thing. In most of the dreams I flush the cocaine. sometimes I hide it with the OC's. I never take any of either.
Am I sick or what. That is what I have to think about to get to sleep. I have lot's of other little situations I use. If you are interested let me know and I will tell you some more of them. I do know that it probably isn't healthy but it is survival. I usually try to stick to sports, it's just more fun.
to all those reading this, remember, this is just between us. Especially if you think this is sick
peace.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
The Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco. They needed a"Supervisor-Building Services" They sent me an email and don't even want to interview me. Wow. I can't even supervise the janitors. 3 freaking janitors at each location. What the hell. Now I am freaking out. I am officially looking for an electrician job. We'll see how I long I last in a position like that. I am freaking out. I can hardly type this. That was one of my back up jobs. I thought I was a no-brainer for that. shit. What am I going to do. This is the type of situation that my family doesn't understand. My family, my siblings i should say always get that interview and then always get that job. I come from an outstanding family. Very impressive. Maybe I will start sending all my siblings resume's in and act like it was a mistake. The HR department of the potential company can pass all the resume's around and just be astonished and then I will apologize and send them mine. I will win by association. Just like guilt by association.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Day 2
Today was the second day of my job training. The church has a good program. today seemed to be more helpful. They taught us "Power Statements" during class today. In fact, we spent most of the class on it. The whole thing seems so Narcicistic, or however you spell it. I thought that was a bad thing. Everything it "I" and "I can" it just seems weird that this stuff is what potential employers really want to hear. I know that I am not even close to an expert. I have never even really been through this process before. Now that I think about it, I really never have interviewed for a job before. It really makes me want to be self employed again. When I think of the prospect of not only finding a job, but then keeping a job while feeling like shit it makes me want to throw up. Can I do it? How long will it last? What will happen to me? Why can't I just get hurt real bad at work and collect workers comp for the rest of my life? Or sue somebody for millions of dollars? It works for some people. I know that I am stuck with a life of working. Oh well, that is the hand I have been dealt. Now I have to deal with it.
It's strange that I come from the same gene pool as my siblings. They are all so smart and successful. Everyone of them has a college degree and most of them a graduate degree. I worked as an electrician for about seventeen years. That is something that my brothers and sisters never would have considered doing in a million years. We are an educated family, except me. We are a very spiritual family, except me.
All my siblings, with the exception of one sister served missions. That is four sisters and two brothers that served missions. I know that my twin brother who didn't live long enough to would have served a successful mission. I don't hate my siblings for that, I am proud of that. I am proud to come from where I come from. I just don't get it. Why did I end up like this. Why me. Why am I so different. I was raised the same as them.
It is intellectually intimidating to be around my family. I know that my wife has a hard time with it. She is scared to play games with them. Her family was quite different than mine. Education and Church wasn't stressed so much to the girls. Their focus was cooking and nurturing, stuff like that. I guess every family is different. I always wonder what my children see in the two families. The differences, the similarities, which they think will lead to happiness. I tell them that each person has to find their own way. but I also tell them that I wish I would have done things much different.
The only important thing right now is finding a job. I can probably wait to worry about keeping a job until I have one. That's just how I am. Like my mother, I am a worrier. I have been through many sleepless nights. Starting a new job will surely lead to another one
well I have got to go search for a job now,
later.
It's strange that I come from the same gene pool as my siblings. They are all so smart and successful. Everyone of them has a college degree and most of them a graduate degree. I worked as an electrician for about seventeen years. That is something that my brothers and sisters never would have considered doing in a million years. We are an educated family, except me. We are a very spiritual family, except me.
All my siblings, with the exception of one sister served missions. That is four sisters and two brothers that served missions. I know that my twin brother who didn't live long enough to would have served a successful mission. I don't hate my siblings for that, I am proud of that. I am proud to come from where I come from. I just don't get it. Why did I end up like this. Why me. Why am I so different. I was raised the same as them.
It is intellectually intimidating to be around my family. I know that my wife has a hard time with it. She is scared to play games with them. Her family was quite different than mine. Education and Church wasn't stressed so much to the girls. Their focus was cooking and nurturing, stuff like that. I guess every family is different. I always wonder what my children see in the two families. The differences, the similarities, which they think will lead to happiness. I tell them that each person has to find their own way. but I also tell them that I wish I would have done things much different.
The only important thing right now is finding a job. I can probably wait to worry about keeping a job until I have one. That's just how I am. Like my mother, I am a worrier. I have been through many sleepless nights. Starting a new job will surely lead to another one
well I have got to go search for a job now,
later.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
job search
Today I started my training at the church's employment center. today seemed to be kind of a waste of time. I really loved the older couple teaching the class though. I really felt like they loved all of us in the class. I just didn't feel like I got any closer to getting a job that I would like. I guess my plan right now is to try to get a job that I love for now, if that doesn't happen in the next little while, I will have to take an electrical job. I guess a job that I would love would be some kind of sales/account manager type job. A lot like the job I just got laid off of.
today in the class we had to read some of out accomplishments from our last job to a partner. My partner just happened to be a successful sales manager who is recently retired. He is only taking the class so he can teach it while on his mission in Egypt. Where he just got called to serve. In one of my bullet point items I mentioned the name of my previous employer. It just so happened that my old boss was also in my partners ward and worse yet was his bishop until just a couple of months ago. Of course "Jim" my group partner starts gushing about what a great guy he is. I said "Well I thought so, until he laid me off". I really don't know if that was the right response. Everyone else in this little class wanted "Jim" to like them so much it made me sick. It was like "can I have jim critique me" "what does Jim think of this". Why do guys act like that about other people? I don't get it. I guess he deserves some respect but these guys were gushing all over him. I really didn't know how to react when he asked me about my old boss. I really don't think my opinion matters that much to Jim anyways. Considering where I am in life. At an unemployment training seminar sponsored by the church. He probably considers my a loser. I always tell myself, as long as my family loves and respects me, that is all I need. Well, that is not exactly the truth. That is just an easy thing to tell myself.
I think that I have always tried to surround myself with idiots so that I could feel smart or good about myself. You know kind of a king of the nerds syndrome or something. When I get around smart or successful people I think I get intimidated or nervous. I probably overdo it. that's wierd because the smartest person I know is my Father. I respect him more than anyone else I know. I think I act like myself around him, but I know that is because he respects me and believes in me. My dad has always believed in me, no matter how badly I have screwed up. He is incredible. If I have any testimony at all it is because of him. If a man like that, that smart, that logical can know the gospel is true beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is something there. There has to be. He is a scientist, yet he has complete faith in every aspect of the gospel and I just feel the spirit when I am with him. He is a strong man. The greatest man I know. If I could be half the man as him I would be happy. I want to make him proud more than anything in the world.
I am fighting a serious case of the blues. I am so nervous to interview for a job right now. I just don't know if I am up for it. I feel like the odds are getting stacked against me. The biggest problem is the drugs. I don't know if I can go through what I am going through with the dicking the drugs and finding a new job. What if a potential employer asks me to take a drug test. What do I tell them? How do I explain all of this? Most days I feel so shitty that I don't know if I can be effective in any position.
Well I will finish this later.
today in the class we had to read some of out accomplishments from our last job to a partner. My partner just happened to be a successful sales manager who is recently retired. He is only taking the class so he can teach it while on his mission in Egypt. Where he just got called to serve. In one of my bullet point items I mentioned the name of my previous employer. It just so happened that my old boss was also in my partners ward and worse yet was his bishop until just a couple of months ago. Of course "Jim" my group partner starts gushing about what a great guy he is. I said "Well I thought so, until he laid me off". I really don't know if that was the right response. Everyone else in this little class wanted "Jim" to like them so much it made me sick. It was like "can I have jim critique me" "what does Jim think of this". Why do guys act like that about other people? I don't get it. I guess he deserves some respect but these guys were gushing all over him. I really didn't know how to react when he asked me about my old boss. I really don't think my opinion matters that much to Jim anyways. Considering where I am in life. At an unemployment training seminar sponsored by the church. He probably considers my a loser. I always tell myself, as long as my family loves and respects me, that is all I need. Well, that is not exactly the truth. That is just an easy thing to tell myself.
I think that I have always tried to surround myself with idiots so that I could feel smart or good about myself. You know kind of a king of the nerds syndrome or something. When I get around smart or successful people I think I get intimidated or nervous. I probably overdo it. that's wierd because the smartest person I know is my Father. I respect him more than anyone else I know. I think I act like myself around him, but I know that is because he respects me and believes in me. My dad has always believed in me, no matter how badly I have screwed up. He is incredible. If I have any testimony at all it is because of him. If a man like that, that smart, that logical can know the gospel is true beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is something there. There has to be. He is a scientist, yet he has complete faith in every aspect of the gospel and I just feel the spirit when I am with him. He is a strong man. The greatest man I know. If I could be half the man as him I would be happy. I want to make him proud more than anything in the world.
I am fighting a serious case of the blues. I am so nervous to interview for a job right now. I just don't know if I am up for it. I feel like the odds are getting stacked against me. The biggest problem is the drugs. I don't know if I can go through what I am going through with the dicking the drugs and finding a new job. What if a potential employer asks me to take a drug test. What do I tell them? How do I explain all of this? Most days I feel so shitty that I don't know if I can be effective in any position.
Well I will finish this later.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Saturdays
Today is Saturday. I love Saturdays. Saturdays are the only days that I feel like I am not getting behind. Losing ground in life. Not getting behind like I have all these emails to respond to or reports to write or even presentations to get ready. I mean like other Dads. They are staying home for the most part, and mowing the lawn or going to the zoo. Most of the time I work and try to make a little extra money. During the week however, all the other Dads have these great careers and are working towards this awesome retirement. They have their shit together. You know what I have for retirement? Nothing. Not a damn thing. I used to have a small 401k but I had to spend it after my first stint in rehab.
Two Thursdays ago, so I guess about nine days ago I got laid off my job. I actually loved my job. I was basically an outside salesman for a Service and Repair Electrical company. That meant that I would go around and meet people at lighting stores or hot tub stores and try to get them to refer our company when they made a sale. When they did refer us, I would reward them. I would take them tickets to movies or dinner, sometimes I would take them golfing or to lunch. It was awesome. I was good at it. I was finding new people all the time. What I would do was concentrate on one type of client at a time. For instance, I would call or visit all of the Property Management companies I could find and try to get new clients. The rest of my time was spent keeping the existing clients happy. I did trade shows and even traveled to St. Louis for training a couple times a year. Everything was great except for one thing. I was extremely addicted to Oxycontin. Most people won't even believe me when I tell them how much I was taking. However, I was getting every bit of it from a doctor. Random drug testing was so stressful. I can't even tell you.
I have been out of work for six working days. If I was still on OC I think I would still be employed and my old comp would still be kicking ass. As it is they are hurting. I admit it. When I tried to get off the drugs my work suffered. I sucked. As I was trying to figure out how to quit it was evident that I needed a doctors help and I needed to continue to work. while I was looking for dr.s I literally had to take my prescription bottles to get the dr. to believe what my daily doses were. We finally found a doc who would help. He would put me on a drug called Suboxone. It would take the place of the drugs. Once we got to his office he couldn't believe the amounts either. It would take some stepping down to get to the point that I could start on the Suboxone. I remember being so excited. I was still going to be able do OC's. Not the case. He put me on huge doses of Morphine. At first I was taking one, 200mg capsule 7-9 times a day. Plus, four 30mg oxycodone tablets a day, 60 mg of Cymbalta per day, Ambien, Kadien, Klonodine, and a bunch of others I can't even remember. I felt like shit. I wasn't really jonesing, but I wasn't myself. I no that no one agrees with me. but when I was on the OC, I was myself. I had taken it for so long that I think that my body just got used to having it in it's system. Not until I switched meds did I feel like an addict.
As far as how do I feel today. It's not good. I always have kind of a haze over my brain. I usually have a little headache.
Well I have to go now. I will finish later or tomorrow.
later.
Two Thursdays ago, so I guess about nine days ago I got laid off my job. I actually loved my job. I was basically an outside salesman for a Service and Repair Electrical company. That meant that I would go around and meet people at lighting stores or hot tub stores and try to get them to refer our company when they made a sale. When they did refer us, I would reward them. I would take them tickets to movies or dinner, sometimes I would take them golfing or to lunch. It was awesome. I was good at it. I was finding new people all the time. What I would do was concentrate on one type of client at a time. For instance, I would call or visit all of the Property Management companies I could find and try to get new clients. The rest of my time was spent keeping the existing clients happy. I did trade shows and even traveled to St. Louis for training a couple times a year. Everything was great except for one thing. I was extremely addicted to Oxycontin. Most people won't even believe me when I tell them how much I was taking. However, I was getting every bit of it from a doctor. Random drug testing was so stressful. I can't even tell you.
I have been out of work for six working days. If I was still on OC I think I would still be employed and my old comp would still be kicking ass. As it is they are hurting. I admit it. When I tried to get off the drugs my work suffered. I sucked. As I was trying to figure out how to quit it was evident that I needed a doctors help and I needed to continue to work. while I was looking for dr.s I literally had to take my prescription bottles to get the dr. to believe what my daily doses were. We finally found a doc who would help. He would put me on a drug called Suboxone. It would take the place of the drugs. Once we got to his office he couldn't believe the amounts either. It would take some stepping down to get to the point that I could start on the Suboxone. I remember being so excited. I was still going to be able do OC's. Not the case. He put me on huge doses of Morphine. At first I was taking one, 200mg capsule 7-9 times a day. Plus, four 30mg oxycodone tablets a day, 60 mg of Cymbalta per day, Ambien, Kadien, Klonodine, and a bunch of others I can't even remember. I felt like shit. I wasn't really jonesing, but I wasn't myself. I no that no one agrees with me. but when I was on the OC, I was myself. I had taken it for so long that I think that my body just got used to having it in it's system. Not until I switched meds did I feel like an addict.
As far as how do I feel today. It's not good. I always have kind of a haze over my brain. I usually have a little headache.
Well I have to go now. I will finish later or tomorrow.
later.
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