Sundays

I love Sundays. For one day the pressure is off. I think everyone feels like that for the most part. Maybe with the exception of students who have put their homework off, and those who have jobs. You know how you kind of get that wierd feeling on Sunday night, the whole thing is starting over in the morning. The whole grind of the week. The mondane (sp?) work week, for most people is starts Sunday evening. Atleast it did for me when I was working. Now I kind of have mixed emotions, part hope and part hopelessness. This week something will happen for sure, I am smart. Surely someone will hire me and everything will be okay. You always hear of others people who lose their jobs and how tough it is, you talk to them a while later and they have this great job and it was the best thing that ever happened to them. We are those kind of people, I come from that kind of family. A "Best thing ever Family". In fact I grew up in a "Best thing ever area", in a "Best thing ever Church. Surely things will work out. Problem is, I have always been different. When I was young I was being groomed to be successful, I felt it, I knew it, and I took it for granted. I was the most confident teenager in the world. I was bulletproof. On the other hand I am used to sabotage. I ruin things for myself. A lot of it is drug induced but it is real. It's like I hope things will work out great for me, but in my heart of hearts I know it won't. It just doesn't happen for me. I just had my dream job, my chance of a lifetime, and I screwed it up. The jobs that I really want are the type of jobs that are going to have much more qualified applicants applying. I just feel that, why the hell would they hire me. I am really just a freaking electrician. I have to try to quit thinking that way and have some confidence but atleast I always have my Journeyman license to fall back on. That is what my Mother and Father-in-Law keep saying to me. Translation:Why the hell aren't you working as an electrician supporting our daughter you lazy dumbass? We don't care what you WANT to do, we care what you can do.
I understand their point of view, I would probably feel the same way if it was my daughter. My In-laws are kind of old school. They think an electrician is a great way to make a living. These days it just doesn't cut it. Before we had teenagers maybe we could make it, but now there is not a chance. I would have to work and then do side jobs all night long to make it and it would still be tough at that.

Church has even gotten tough for me. Elder's Chorum is just plain torture for me. I just can't bring myself to go. I literally get physically ill just thinking about it. Hard to believe this is coming from the same person who once spoke in Sacrament Meeting on 2 minutes notice from his Father. It's true. I was 17 or 18, I arrived at Sacrament Meeting right before it started. My dad was in the Bishopric, he hurried down and met me before I could sit down and whispered, "sorry, I forgot to tell you that you are speaking today in Sacrament Meeting" I was like, "really, how much time do I need to take up". I was a little nervous, but I actually liked it. I made the audience laugh, and had no problems at all. I think I said some stuff about my Mother's old high school that made her mad, but she was so proud. It was easy, I had so much confidence. I could have done that any time. I gave lessons in front of the bishop off the top of my head, I could talk to anyone, I could do anything. Life was easy. Maybe too easy.
Somewhere along the line it got hard. I don't mean life, that's obvious, I mean church stuff. I can't do it anymore. It's like the older you get the more complicated it get's. I think that being surrounded by returned missionaries intimidates me. I know I missed out on some awesome growth there. Both spiritually as well as mental toughness, but I have been through some tough stuff in my life. Trust me. I am scared to give a prayed in Sacrament Meeting now, forget about giving a talk. I am even scared to have a conversation with some of the men in out ward. That is why I hate to go to church. I don't like the guys who try to act nice to you. I'm not stupid. Now if it get's around that I am unemployed, which it has, it will be unbearable. I have a testimony, I have felt the spirit. It feels like love. Plain and simple. I have felt it. I try to keep it simple when it comes to religion. Treat people well and help people when you can. Go out of your way to help people. I try to be generous and I did several jobs for free when I was working as an electrician for Captain Elec. when clients couldn't pay and were under terrible circumstances. I always did freebies for older people, I did a lot of stuff the really made the management of Capt. Elc. mad. I always did it on my own time, but they wanted the job. I really do try. I just try to keep it simple because it so easy to get overwhelmed. Every Sunday it get's so complicated, there is so much to it. Why can't be simple, just love everyone. especially your family, help others, do the right thing. Instead it's all these smart guys showing how smart they are. It works, I think they are smart and they intimidate me. They intimidate me much more than being the new guy at a rehab or stressing about not being able to get my drugs and knowing I am going to be sick as hell, with the smart guys we are talking about eternity. We are talking about my family. I promise you, without my family I would be diad today. Sure as I am writing this right now, I would be dead.
Peace