book 1 of the Narco program was basically exercises to get you comfortable with yourself. Or as they put it "comfortable in your own skin". The first exercise is sitting perfectly still with eyes closed. Next is sitting with eyes open, looking directly into someone else's eyes. You cannot flinch, change expression, even look away. Any movement and you start over. At one point in the program you have to sit there for 2 or 4 hours straight in order to graduate. The eyes closed isn't so bad, but the eyes open is definately a challenge. The next drill was sitting directly across from a partner, look them directly in the eyes and say, exactly "do birds fly?" The other person could say anything, mostly they would try to be funny and try to distract the student asking the question. So if I was the student I would say "Do birds fly?" The other student would say, "Shut the hell up and quit bugging me. I would have to say again "Do birds fly?" over and over until I get some kind of an answer. Often the answer would be something stupid like "Only out there into the sand where they all die a bloody death". To that I reply, "Thank You" and repeat, "Do birds fly?" Until the instructor says stops the exercise. We did that one every day.
The next TR was a little more active. The student took his partner into the kitchen. The kitchen was more like a little hallway. We would stand at one end, I would put my hand on the other students shoulder or arm and say "Do you see that wall?" then I wait for a response, "Yes" next I say "now walk over to it" and I lead them over to the wall across the kitchen. It is only about 8' away. We stop at the wall. Next I say "Now touch the wall". After they touch the wall I instruct them "Now turn around" then I help them turn around and then it all start over again, "Do you see that wall?" The whole time the other student is "Bullbaiting" or trying to distract the student running the drill. My best tactic to make the student trying to lead was to sing "The sun will come out" from Little Orphan Annie, either in a British or an Asian accent. I would sing it really loudly. I was actually one of the best at making the other's laugh. The instructor would often have me be the subject when a student was trying to pass that one off. You see, we would practice these drills every day, but we all had to pass them off to an instructor to graduate. Most people would talk really dirty or use extremely foul language. Believe me, nothing was off limits in the classroom at this place.
During Book 1, I noticed other students pairing off and going into the back bedrooms. One student would have a notebook and a pen, it was wierd. I finally asked Stew about it. He was in charge of the classroom. He said "Don't worry about it yet, soon you will begin auditing and then you will be an auditor". I also saw a bunch of students making big, huge displays out of clay. The more questions I asked, the less they let me know. Stew said I had to learn in correct order or it wouldn't do me any good. Everything was based on the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, and he had the ultimate system for learning. They claimed that with his learning system everyone could learn. Even those with learning disabilities could get through school at grade level with no medication. In fact, if someone used all of L. Ron Hubbard's theories they would never need any medication for any reason. That is why Tom Cruise freaked out on Brooke Shields about taking medication for depression. Scientologists believe that there is something wrong in your life and you need to fix it, if you fix it what ails you will go away. So anyway, his big learning system. It is based on Misunderstood Words. L. Ron said that if you read something, anything, and you come across a word that you don't totally understand and keep reading that eventually you will become bored, or distracted, or even get a headache. If you keep reading after you pass a Misunderstood Word it's hard to understand the rest of what you read. You can even read the same chapter twice, if there is MW's in the text you won't understand what you have read. When in the Narco classroom, you must have a dictionary with you at all times. If anything is wrong, say you have a headache or need a drink, the instructors will say "Find the word and clear it." It got so annoying. They made us look up so many words. If we were reading something the instructors would come up to you and ask you how many words you have cleared and make you show them. Then they would look at what you were reading and ask you what a bunch of words mean. Stupid words, that are obvious, but you don't really know how to explain it. However, it actually works pretty well. It is just hard to sit there and look up all the words. But you sure learn a lot.
After Book 1, and after the Sauna, we spent a ton of time on Misunderstood Words. There is a whole book on it. It was probably the most important concept, next to the sauna treatment, in the Narconon program.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Normal
My wife often says to me "Why can't we just be normal", I reply "You know I am not normal and you knew I wasn't when you married me". After she says that I always get really depressed. I wish I could give her normal. I have tried, I'm not even sure what normal is. I do know what her normal is. Her normal is tough. Atleast in my opinion. It is a really nice house in a cute, exclusive city. I would have a 9-5 job and make about 180k per year and have perfect benefits. She would stay home and go shopping or out to lunch with friends or family. She would keep the house perfectly clean and cook great meals and do the laundry once or twice and week and on Sunday she would make a roast. I would maintain the yard and the cars, her SUV and my European sedan. I would be 2" taller and 30 lbs. thinner and I would cook a big breakfast every Sunday morning, and we would all be happy all the time.
When she says that, I think that is what she means, atleast that's how she acts. One time when I was really struggling our bishop said "Don't compare your private lives to other people's public lives". It's true, you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but I just find it hard to believe that anyone else has problems like mine. I am not sure what our public life looks like to others but I kind of doubt that anyone is pointing at us and saying "I wish we could live like them". I know that everyone has problems and everyone thinks their problems are insurmountable until they open their eyes and look around. You can always find someone who has it worse than you. It is easy, if I set my sights low, than I am doing alright. If I set my sights high than I am a complete failure. Is it better to associate with people with lower expectations so you feel better about yourself? Or are you better off setting your sights higher and hanging with people who expect more or want more out of life? Who knows. It's like in the movie "Sixteen Candles", the nerdy guy was "King of the Nerds". So when he was with them, he was cool. But, when he went to the party at Jake Ryan's house, he was in another league. All of a sudden he wasn't cool at all. He was a loser, or a dork, actually, I guess he would be a nerd.
There are basically three different types of guys. First, there is the basic college graduate. He is the guy who get's through college, maybe gets a masters degree and then get's a job. He works hard and gets a nice pension. Every job he takes he is sure to get great benefits and he is always stable as can be. It is a nice life this guy has, he is probably a good dad and has a good solid life. Second, is the entrepenuer (sp?). He may or may not have a college degree. Usually he has a degree, but his career has absolutely nothing to do with his education. He finished college because that was next. This guy always appears to be rich. He probably is rich. He is really nice and extremely smart and very motivated. The entrep is always talking about money or some new venture or investment. Always looking for the next big thing. He takes awesome vacations and drives killer cars, even if he isn't doing well financially at the time. It's all about appearance to this guy. He really isn't too worried about his retirement because he is sure that he will be filthy rich by then, and he probably will. The third guy is the blue collar guy. All it takes to make him happy is a new camp trailer and a good spot at the campground. He is a simple guy and very well could the most happy of all of them. Sometimes I wish I could be happy being just like the simple guy. but I seem to want more out of life. I want my kids to want more out of life. I am not sure what effect all my struggles will have on my kids. They have seen it all, probably more than most kids should be allowed to see. I just hope that they learn from my problems and don't repeat them. Oh, I had quite an episode at scouts this past Tuesday.
We meet on Tuesdays, before I left for scouts at six o'clock my wife tells me that her car has a flat tire. I knew this was coming because the tires are really bald but I haven't had the cash to replace them. The problem was that is was our only operating car besides my work truck. So I decided I would go down to Costco after scouts and get two new tires on the front of the car. I went to scouts and only two kids showed up and the other leader. He wanted to go over all the requirements for the year and get the two kids up to date which meant we would have had to stay later than the normal seven p.m. I said "I don't know if that will work for me, I have to go to Costco and get some tires on a car". Brandon, the other leader, "No problem, we'll follow you down there and just have our meeting at one of the tables and have a Churro while we do our work and wait for your car". I couldn't think of an excuse or a reason why this wouldn't work, I just wanted him to say, "go ahead, no problem, we'll see you next week". So I hurried and borrowed an air compressor and pumped the flat tire up and we hurried down to the Costco's. Unfortunately, some stupid company was having their Christmas party there. So every stupid table and then some were taken. So Brandon was standing right next to me while I was talking to the tire guy. The Costco guy, who happened to be a dwarf who thinks he's tough, "Well, you have a 4-wheel drive vehicle here sir, as company policy we cannot just replace two tires, we have to replace all 4 at the same time, and from looking at your tires, they look like they all need it real bad". Thanks buddy. Of couse they didn't have the cheapest ones in stock and those weren't that cheap. I tried to talk him into just doing the two front tires and moving them to the back of the car, but he wasn't budging on the policy. So finally, going on the dwarf and the scout leader's recomendation I went with the next cheapest set of four. So with Brandon standing directly next to me, Mr. Dwarf ran my Debit card, surprise, surprise it was rejected. At that point he wasnt that excited about taking a check either. Brandon offered to lend me some money, I didn't know what to do. I was really embarrased. The whole Ward knew that I had been layed off and was out of work so Brandon was probably feeling really bad for me. How freaking pitiful. So I asked midget man if he could just patch the leak if the tire? Of course they were too bald, they just couldn't be salvaged. So I said "Brandon, how about those Churro's? The boys are probably going crazy", which they weren't. They were loving it, Running wild in the Costco. So he mercifully went out and bought some Churro's, he even bought me one and wouldn't let me pay him back, brutal. I went out and looked at my car and said, "well it looks like it is actually holding air, I think it will be okay until my wife get's home and then I will get some tires and pay with her account, that's the one we normally use". Brandon didn't buy it, the dwarf didn't buy it, I didnt' buy it, even the two eleven year old scouts didn't buy it. It was the best I could come up with at the time. Oh well. So every night I take the car down to the gas station and fill it up with air, no problem. Then on Sunday the Elder's quorum president came up to me and had some questions. You can imagine what those were, I can't go over them or I will start to cry and I don't want to cry right now, so I am going to go.
Peace.
When she says that, I think that is what she means, atleast that's how she acts. One time when I was really struggling our bishop said "Don't compare your private lives to other people's public lives". It's true, you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but I just find it hard to believe that anyone else has problems like mine. I am not sure what our public life looks like to others but I kind of doubt that anyone is pointing at us and saying "I wish we could live like them". I know that everyone has problems and everyone thinks their problems are insurmountable until they open their eyes and look around. You can always find someone who has it worse than you. It is easy, if I set my sights low, than I am doing alright. If I set my sights high than I am a complete failure. Is it better to associate with people with lower expectations so you feel better about yourself? Or are you better off setting your sights higher and hanging with people who expect more or want more out of life? Who knows. It's like in the movie "Sixteen Candles", the nerdy guy was "King of the Nerds". So when he was with them, he was cool. But, when he went to the party at Jake Ryan's house, he was in another league. All of a sudden he wasn't cool at all. He was a loser, or a dork, actually, I guess he would be a nerd.
There are basically three different types of guys. First, there is the basic college graduate. He is the guy who get's through college, maybe gets a masters degree and then get's a job. He works hard and gets a nice pension. Every job he takes he is sure to get great benefits and he is always stable as can be. It is a nice life this guy has, he is probably a good dad and has a good solid life. Second, is the entrepenuer (sp?). He may or may not have a college degree. Usually he has a degree, but his career has absolutely nothing to do with his education. He finished college because that was next. This guy always appears to be rich. He probably is rich. He is really nice and extremely smart and very motivated. The entrep is always talking about money or some new venture or investment. Always looking for the next big thing. He takes awesome vacations and drives killer cars, even if he isn't doing well financially at the time. It's all about appearance to this guy. He really isn't too worried about his retirement because he is sure that he will be filthy rich by then, and he probably will. The third guy is the blue collar guy. All it takes to make him happy is a new camp trailer and a good spot at the campground. He is a simple guy and very well could the most happy of all of them. Sometimes I wish I could be happy being just like the simple guy. but I seem to want more out of life. I want my kids to want more out of life. I am not sure what effect all my struggles will have on my kids. They have seen it all, probably more than most kids should be allowed to see. I just hope that they learn from my problems and don't repeat them. Oh, I had quite an episode at scouts this past Tuesday.
We meet on Tuesdays, before I left for scouts at six o'clock my wife tells me that her car has a flat tire. I knew this was coming because the tires are really bald but I haven't had the cash to replace them. The problem was that is was our only operating car besides my work truck. So I decided I would go down to Costco after scouts and get two new tires on the front of the car. I went to scouts and only two kids showed up and the other leader. He wanted to go over all the requirements for the year and get the two kids up to date which meant we would have had to stay later than the normal seven p.m. I said "I don't know if that will work for me, I have to go to Costco and get some tires on a car". Brandon, the other leader, "No problem, we'll follow you down there and just have our meeting at one of the tables and have a Churro while we do our work and wait for your car". I couldn't think of an excuse or a reason why this wouldn't work, I just wanted him to say, "go ahead, no problem, we'll see you next week". So I hurried and borrowed an air compressor and pumped the flat tire up and we hurried down to the Costco's. Unfortunately, some stupid company was having their Christmas party there. So every stupid table and then some were taken. So Brandon was standing right next to me while I was talking to the tire guy. The Costco guy, who happened to be a dwarf who thinks he's tough, "Well, you have a 4-wheel drive vehicle here sir, as company policy we cannot just replace two tires, we have to replace all 4 at the same time, and from looking at your tires, they look like they all need it real bad". Thanks buddy. Of couse they didn't have the cheapest ones in stock and those weren't that cheap. I tried to talk him into just doing the two front tires and moving them to the back of the car, but he wasn't budging on the policy. So finally, going on the dwarf and the scout leader's recomendation I went with the next cheapest set of four. So with Brandon standing directly next to me, Mr. Dwarf ran my Debit card, surprise, surprise it was rejected. At that point he wasnt that excited about taking a check either. Brandon offered to lend me some money, I didn't know what to do. I was really embarrased. The whole Ward knew that I had been layed off and was out of work so Brandon was probably feeling really bad for me. How freaking pitiful. So I asked midget man if he could just patch the leak if the tire? Of course they were too bald, they just couldn't be salvaged. So I said "Brandon, how about those Churro's? The boys are probably going crazy", which they weren't. They were loving it, Running wild in the Costco. So he mercifully went out and bought some Churro's, he even bought me one and wouldn't let me pay him back, brutal. I went out and looked at my car and said, "well it looks like it is actually holding air, I think it will be okay until my wife get's home and then I will get some tires and pay with her account, that's the one we normally use". Brandon didn't buy it, the dwarf didn't buy it, I didnt' buy it, even the two eleven year old scouts didn't buy it. It was the best I could come up with at the time. Oh well. So every night I take the car down to the gas station and fill it up with air, no problem. Then on Sunday the Elder's quorum president came up to me and had some questions. You can imagine what those were, I can't go over them or I will start to cry and I don't want to cry right now, so I am going to go.
Peace.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
The Deer Hunt
When I was in High School I think I was like most teenagers. Go to school, go to church,maybe some extra-curricular activities after school. But the most important thing at that age is friends. I see it in my kids. My oldest daughter went through it when she was in school and now my middle daughter seems to focus all her attention on her friends and "hanging out". So I understand. I am even okay with it if they have good friends and I think at this point they do. With my oldest daughter it was tough. I remember the feelings of always wondering why she never wants to be home or with her family. It has really made it easier with my next daughter. I love it when I tell them "Believe me, I have been through all this stuff you are going through. I can remember what it is like". They look at me like a total alien. Man that makes me feel old.
I thought I had a real great group of friends in High School. They were so important to me and I thought that we would all be so close all of our lives. Well it hasn't worked out that way, which I have learned is much more common than I thought. I remain close with two friends. One I consider my "Best Friend" and the other I kind of think of more like a brother. I love both of them, but I seem to get into trouble with the "Best Friend" quite a bit. Or atleast everyone says so. His name is Brian and we are probably better for each other than our friends and family think. I will admit I have gotten in some trouble when I was with Brian but my hardcore drug use had nothing to do with him. The times that I have reached real lows in my life on account of the addiction I was a loner to be sure. In fact, I would purposely avoid both of my friends, Brian and my "brother" friend Doug. It is hard to have people who you respect and care about see you so vulnerable and messed up. I ignored a lot of voice mails in those days, from friends and family.
Before I entered my first rehab, in fact before my addiction became a real problem I recall a time that Brian and I were planning to go deer hunting. It would have been our third year in a row going together, just the two of us. The first year we went together we both got a deer and to be honest I really had no desire to shoot another one. The next year the deer hunt was around 6 months after I started my business and I was doing well financially. The morning of the hunt I went to the nearest Honda dealership and bought a brand new 4-wheeler for the hunt. That year we were hunting near Logan Utah. The first year we had really gone all out. We went scouting for deer and we camped way up in the mountains right in the thick of things. So the second year we decided to get a hotel room in Logan and maybe take it a little easy. We basically got up in the morning and rode ATV's around the hills for awhile. Around 4 p.m. we would load up, head back to the room, get a shower and go to a nice restaurant for dinner. The first year we were in tents, up at 5:30 a.m. in our predetermined hunting spots. Then we hunted all day long and cooked our dinner over the fire at night. The second year we didn't even leave the hotel in the morning until after 9:30 a.m. We were not going to shoot any more bucks and that was alright with us. We were just having some fun. We were mixing a lot more drinking and taking drugs into our hunting experience. I don't think either of us really wanted to shoot another deer since we had both bagged bucks in the past and it is a lot of work.
So the third year in a row we are getting ready for the hunt. The only deer tags from the state left were in the North portion of the state. We wanted to go South. We decided we would go as far south as we could and still stay in the zone our permits allowed. Somehow we both ended up bringing our golf clubs and golf clothes. I don't think I even took a rifle. Brian picked me up and we loaded my 4-wheeler along side his and threw some token camping gear on the trailer.
We headed down I-15 headed South. We got to Nephi and decided to go West into the mountains and check for any signs of good deer hunting. As we got up the canyon we found a nice looking dirt road heading back to the North. The road was leading us up into real nice deer country, after about 6 miles on the dirt road I said, kind of as a conversation starter, "you know B, I really have no desire to shoot a deer this year". He slammed on the brakes. "I don't either", he responded and it took us about 30 seconds to decide where to go. Las Vegas. A little golf a little gambling and free drinks. Sounds like my kind of hunting. Both of our families thought we were out camping in a tent in the mountain and hiking in the wilderness looking for Bambi. Actually we were having quite a nice little vacation in Nevada living the good life. It was awesome.
That same week my nephew was playing in the Utah High School football playoffs. His team was playing a school from St. George Utah. St. George is approximately an hour and a half North of Vegas and about thirty minutes North of Mesquite, Nevada. I had no idea but my sister was unable to obtain a room in St. George because it was so crowded there that weekend. So Karen, my sister and her family ended up getting a room in nearby Mesquite. Karen is my oldest sister and I feel a kindred spirit to me. I know she had her moments while growing up, in a good Mormon house hold. The rest of our sibling were really focused on the church and excelled in school. Karen was no where close to the level I was but I always felt she kind of knew what I was thinking or doing. She is really close to the Lord and has a strong testimony of the Church now, but I just think she had her moments.
The second night Brian and I finished a nice round of golf. We were going to get cleaned up and go down to the casino and hit it. I suggested to Brian "You know, I never win shit in Vegas, I seem to have much better luck in Mesquite". I think Brian wanted to stay in Vegas, but he agreed and we packed up and left Las Vegas and checked into a room at the Virgin River Hotel and Casino in Mesquite, Nevada. We ate dinner in Mesquite, had a few cocktails and then hit the floor. We played a little BlackJack, then went to the Roulette wheel. At the time that was my game, I just seemed to have great luck on roulette. So I am kicking ass. I was up atleast $500 or $600, which is a lot for me because I am not a huge better. I was really getting into it. Betting more and more with each roll of the marble and drinking a lot of beer to go along with all the pills I was taking. I was ripped. Brian and I were laughing and having a great time with other players at the table. Everyone was having fun and laughing and getting real drunk.
I had a thing that I did each time while the wheel was spinning. I would look at a certain Football Helmet over at the Sportsbook and I never looked at the wheel until it stopped turning. The Sports Book was directly next to one of the main exits in and out of the Virgin River. I had just gotten another beer, Bud Light, I made my bet. I was betting very heavy at this point, I was rolling. I was playing about 10 numbers and several side of number bets plus several outside bets. The dealer spun the marble, I looked at my spot, I heard the wheel stop and the marble settle into it's number slot. I heard the other players react to the result. I went to turn my head and attention back to the table when something just barely caught my eye as I turned and I took a double take back to the exit. It was my sister and her family. My eyes went directly to hers and hers to mine. Our eyes locked for sure. There was no where to run, nowhere to hide. I was busted. Karen walked right up to the table, "Oh my gosh Sam, I thought you were deer hunting, what are you doing here?" At this point she was happy to see me. As soon as Brian saw what was going on he grabbed my beer and slid over to his other side so at the very least Karen would think it was his and hopefully not see it at all. Then it happened, she looked at the table. the smile quickly left her face and she was like "come on you guys, let's go. Right now" to her family. She was hoping they wouldn't notice exactly what was going on. I am sure I didn't look normal. She didn't even allow me to say hi to her twins, she just grabbed the girls and they were on their way to there room. Shit, I was so busted. I was totally sick to my stomach. It was bad enough that I was in Nevada gambling, but I was also drinking and basically drunk. I skipped the next couple of rolls and just sat there. Brian was asking me questions but I wasn't answering. I was trying to comprehend what had just happened and what the repercussions were going to be. I think I just kept repeating the same cuss word over and over. Brian was surely bummed out, we just had a huge damper put on our night, in fact our whole trip. I cashed my chips in and we went to the room. I needed to get high, higher. Then out of desperation, while we were in our room I called Karens room, "Hey, you didn't stay very long. Do you guys want to go bowling with us? That is what we are going to do. We don't really have anything else to do". Karen just laughed and said "No thanks"
I really can't remember if I asked her not to tell my wife or not. But she didn't until after I entered my first rehab. That was really cool of her. I think this was the point in my life where I realized that I wasn't getting my shit together like the rest of my old friends. I think I thought I was still in High School. Like everything was going to be easy and it would just happen for me. The truth is, I was already in trouble at that point.
Oh well, the things us addicts do, stupid.
Peace.
I thought I had a real great group of friends in High School. They were so important to me and I thought that we would all be so close all of our lives. Well it hasn't worked out that way, which I have learned is much more common than I thought. I remain close with two friends. One I consider my "Best Friend" and the other I kind of think of more like a brother. I love both of them, but I seem to get into trouble with the "Best Friend" quite a bit. Or atleast everyone says so. His name is Brian and we are probably better for each other than our friends and family think. I will admit I have gotten in some trouble when I was with Brian but my hardcore drug use had nothing to do with him. The times that I have reached real lows in my life on account of the addiction I was a loner to be sure. In fact, I would purposely avoid both of my friends, Brian and my "brother" friend Doug. It is hard to have people who you respect and care about see you so vulnerable and messed up. I ignored a lot of voice mails in those days, from friends and family.
Before I entered my first rehab, in fact before my addiction became a real problem I recall a time that Brian and I were planning to go deer hunting. It would have been our third year in a row going together, just the two of us. The first year we went together we both got a deer and to be honest I really had no desire to shoot another one. The next year the deer hunt was around 6 months after I started my business and I was doing well financially. The morning of the hunt I went to the nearest Honda dealership and bought a brand new 4-wheeler for the hunt. That year we were hunting near Logan Utah. The first year we had really gone all out. We went scouting for deer and we camped way up in the mountains right in the thick of things. So the second year we decided to get a hotel room in Logan and maybe take it a little easy. We basically got up in the morning and rode ATV's around the hills for awhile. Around 4 p.m. we would load up, head back to the room, get a shower and go to a nice restaurant for dinner. The first year we were in tents, up at 5:30 a.m. in our predetermined hunting spots. Then we hunted all day long and cooked our dinner over the fire at night. The second year we didn't even leave the hotel in the morning until after 9:30 a.m. We were not going to shoot any more bucks and that was alright with us. We were just having some fun. We were mixing a lot more drinking and taking drugs into our hunting experience. I don't think either of us really wanted to shoot another deer since we had both bagged bucks in the past and it is a lot of work.
So the third year in a row we are getting ready for the hunt. The only deer tags from the state left were in the North portion of the state. We wanted to go South. We decided we would go as far south as we could and still stay in the zone our permits allowed. Somehow we both ended up bringing our golf clubs and golf clothes. I don't think I even took a rifle. Brian picked me up and we loaded my 4-wheeler along side his and threw some token camping gear on the trailer.
We headed down I-15 headed South. We got to Nephi and decided to go West into the mountains and check for any signs of good deer hunting. As we got up the canyon we found a nice looking dirt road heading back to the North. The road was leading us up into real nice deer country, after about 6 miles on the dirt road I said, kind of as a conversation starter, "you know B, I really have no desire to shoot a deer this year". He slammed on the brakes. "I don't either", he responded and it took us about 30 seconds to decide where to go. Las Vegas. A little golf a little gambling and free drinks. Sounds like my kind of hunting. Both of our families thought we were out camping in a tent in the mountain and hiking in the wilderness looking for Bambi. Actually we were having quite a nice little vacation in Nevada living the good life. It was awesome.
That same week my nephew was playing in the Utah High School football playoffs. His team was playing a school from St. George Utah. St. George is approximately an hour and a half North of Vegas and about thirty minutes North of Mesquite, Nevada. I had no idea but my sister was unable to obtain a room in St. George because it was so crowded there that weekend. So Karen, my sister and her family ended up getting a room in nearby Mesquite. Karen is my oldest sister and I feel a kindred spirit to me. I know she had her moments while growing up, in a good Mormon house hold. The rest of our sibling were really focused on the church and excelled in school. Karen was no where close to the level I was but I always felt she kind of knew what I was thinking or doing. She is really close to the Lord and has a strong testimony of the Church now, but I just think she had her moments.
The second night Brian and I finished a nice round of golf. We were going to get cleaned up and go down to the casino and hit it. I suggested to Brian "You know, I never win shit in Vegas, I seem to have much better luck in Mesquite". I think Brian wanted to stay in Vegas, but he agreed and we packed up and left Las Vegas and checked into a room at the Virgin River Hotel and Casino in Mesquite, Nevada. We ate dinner in Mesquite, had a few cocktails and then hit the floor. We played a little BlackJack, then went to the Roulette wheel. At the time that was my game, I just seemed to have great luck on roulette. So I am kicking ass. I was up atleast $500 or $600, which is a lot for me because I am not a huge better. I was really getting into it. Betting more and more with each roll of the marble and drinking a lot of beer to go along with all the pills I was taking. I was ripped. Brian and I were laughing and having a great time with other players at the table. Everyone was having fun and laughing and getting real drunk.
I had a thing that I did each time while the wheel was spinning. I would look at a certain Football Helmet over at the Sportsbook and I never looked at the wheel until it stopped turning. The Sports Book was directly next to one of the main exits in and out of the Virgin River. I had just gotten another beer, Bud Light, I made my bet. I was betting very heavy at this point, I was rolling. I was playing about 10 numbers and several side of number bets plus several outside bets. The dealer spun the marble, I looked at my spot, I heard the wheel stop and the marble settle into it's number slot. I heard the other players react to the result. I went to turn my head and attention back to the table when something just barely caught my eye as I turned and I took a double take back to the exit. It was my sister and her family. My eyes went directly to hers and hers to mine. Our eyes locked for sure. There was no where to run, nowhere to hide. I was busted. Karen walked right up to the table, "Oh my gosh Sam, I thought you were deer hunting, what are you doing here?" At this point she was happy to see me. As soon as Brian saw what was going on he grabbed my beer and slid over to his other side so at the very least Karen would think it was his and hopefully not see it at all. Then it happened, she looked at the table. the smile quickly left her face and she was like "come on you guys, let's go. Right now" to her family. She was hoping they wouldn't notice exactly what was going on. I am sure I didn't look normal. She didn't even allow me to say hi to her twins, she just grabbed the girls and they were on their way to there room. Shit, I was so busted. I was totally sick to my stomach. It was bad enough that I was in Nevada gambling, but I was also drinking and basically drunk. I skipped the next couple of rolls and just sat there. Brian was asking me questions but I wasn't answering. I was trying to comprehend what had just happened and what the repercussions were going to be. I think I just kept repeating the same cuss word over and over. Brian was surely bummed out, we just had a huge damper put on our night, in fact our whole trip. I cashed my chips in and we went to the room. I needed to get high, higher. Then out of desperation, while we were in our room I called Karens room, "Hey, you didn't stay very long. Do you guys want to go bowling with us? That is what we are going to do. We don't really have anything else to do". Karen just laughed and said "No thanks"
I really can't remember if I asked her not to tell my wife or not. But she didn't until after I entered my first rehab. That was really cool of her. I think this was the point in my life where I realized that I wasn't getting my shit together like the rest of my old friends. I think I thought I was still in High School. Like everything was going to be easy and it would just happen for me. The truth is, I was already in trouble at that point.
Oh well, the things us addicts do, stupid.
Peace.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Rehab 2 (cont 7) Sauna Treatment
The process at Narco is pretty simple. The program consists of 8 books. After book 1 the student leaves the classroom and begins their sauna treatment. The sauna is really the cornerstone of the program. There is no preset time limit for the sauna treatment. The student is just supposed to know when they are done. I talked to students who were in the sauna for two weeks and others who's sauna treatment lasted over six weeks. I also talked to many who had major flashbacks in the sauna. They actually got high from all the toxins leaving their body. I heard a lot of stories about what happens in the sauna, who knows how many are true or not. After the sauna the student is back in the classroom to finish his or her program. If a student slipped up and got high or drunk after the sauna they would be what is called "out of ethics". In that case they would have to redo their sauna treatment and then they were on an "ethics cycle". An Ethics Cycle would basically be performing manual labor instead of going to class. The Ethics Cycle would start after the sauna was over. Usually when redoing the sauna it would only last two to three weeks at the most. Most of the time the Ethics Cycle would last twenty to forty days, depending on the violation and the students attitude and where they are in the program. If the student was on book 7 and they took off it would be a lot worse than a student on book 2.
While I was still in detox I wanted to be in the sauna so badly. They looked like they had a blast. I didn't really know what was going on at first. I just saw a small group of people that ran around in their swimming suits and were never in class. They all looked like they were really good friends and they were always running across the beach and diving into the ocean, no matter how cold it was. They were also allowed to eat first and after their day in the sauna they were allowed to just hang out and skip the night classes. A lot of the time they were the only others besides the detox gang to be hanging around in the early evenings. Narco gave the students in the sauna a very light schedule because sitting in a sauna for over six hours a day can really take a lot out of a person and they didn't want them to over do it and get sick.
As all of us in detox started book 1 it was kind of a race to get through book 1 and into the sauna. Before anyone is allowed to begin the sauna treatment they are required to go a doctor and get a complete physical. So one day towards the end of book 1 Joe the Narco driver came into the classroom and called out a bunch of names and said "meet me in 10 minutes in the alley, you are all going to the Dr. today". I was stoked, I really wanted to start the sauna and get out of the freaking classroom for a while, a long while.
The group that went to the Dr. that day was me, Jeff, Brian, Chris B., Roman, Joyce,Samantha, Lindsay,Danny from Vegas and Enrique. We drove quite a ways to get to the Dr. office. After my experience with the shitty hospital from my medical detox I was a little nervous about this Dr.'s visit. Surprisingly, the office was really nice and the Dr. seemed quite legit. He even spoke perfect English. The first thing the Doc asked was "Ok, now how many of you have Hepatitis from IV drug use?" I shit when I saw all the hands go up. I didn't know anything about that. I used the same toilet as all these people, the same shower and I was going to be sitting in the sauna with them. During my physical I asked him a lot of questions, he reassured me a little, but I was still freaking out. Especially when he told me that there is no cure for Hep C, once you get it you will always have it and it will probably be the reason you die when you die. I was still in the exam room resting from giving blood when Roman came into the room. The Dr. shit when Roman took his shirt off and he saw all the lumps on his body. Especially the one that was erupting with smelly puss and blood, it was huge, I can't even explain how big this thing was. Roman was positive for Hepatits. All of us passed the physical except for Roman and Samantha. They both had Hep C. and Samantha had some liver of kidney problems because of it. The Dr. needed to clear some of the obvious problems up on Roman before he could start the sauna. Of the 10 of us that went to the Dr.'s that day, 5 had Hepatits. In the back of the office I saw two students that I had seen at Narco but had not met. They were both getting some kind of blood treatment. The first was a guy named James Agro, everyone called him Agro. He was from Hollywood and was a big-time tweaker. He shot speed into his veins up to 5 times a day. He was young, maybe 25. Agro was tall, about 6'5", really skinny and his hair was long and it stuck straight up. He was kind of cool looking in a scarey kind of way. He was the type you would think of when you thought of young, Hollywood drug users. The other person was a young girl named Nicole. She was all over the East Coast and had been a run away for years. She used Horoine and was also a heavy IV user. She had short, jet black hair and wore a lot of black eye make-up. she dressed real crazy, lot's of camo and short skirts with combat boots and piercings all over. I found out that they were getting treatment for Hepatits and were trying to get clearance from the Dr. so they could start the sauna treatment. I thought "Great, those two are going to be in the sauna with me." I was very comfortable with the group I thought I was going to be in the sauna with, now I wasn't so sure. Those two were freaks and scared the shit out of me. I couldn't imagine the sauna with more than five people in it at a time. I wasn't sure how this was going to work but I was all consumed with worry about how my time in the sauna was going to end up and who I was going to be with. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Atleast Roman didn't pass his physical so he wouldn't be in with me. And perhaps Agro and Nicole wouldn't get healthy in time to be in the sauna with me either. I just couldn't stop worrying about it. The Hepatits thing was really freaking me out. I didn't want to leave here with a permanent disease.
I will finish later.
peace.
While I was still in detox I wanted to be in the sauna so badly. They looked like they had a blast. I didn't really know what was going on at first. I just saw a small group of people that ran around in their swimming suits and were never in class. They all looked like they were really good friends and they were always running across the beach and diving into the ocean, no matter how cold it was. They were also allowed to eat first and after their day in the sauna they were allowed to just hang out and skip the night classes. A lot of the time they were the only others besides the detox gang to be hanging around in the early evenings. Narco gave the students in the sauna a very light schedule because sitting in a sauna for over six hours a day can really take a lot out of a person and they didn't want them to over do it and get sick.
As all of us in detox started book 1 it was kind of a race to get through book 1 and into the sauna. Before anyone is allowed to begin the sauna treatment they are required to go a doctor and get a complete physical. So one day towards the end of book 1 Joe the Narco driver came into the classroom and called out a bunch of names and said "meet me in 10 minutes in the alley, you are all going to the Dr. today". I was stoked, I really wanted to start the sauna and get out of the freaking classroom for a while, a long while.
The group that went to the Dr. that day was me, Jeff, Brian, Chris B., Roman, Joyce,Samantha, Lindsay,Danny from Vegas and Enrique. We drove quite a ways to get to the Dr. office. After my experience with the shitty hospital from my medical detox I was a little nervous about this Dr.'s visit. Surprisingly, the office was really nice and the Dr. seemed quite legit. He even spoke perfect English. The first thing the Doc asked was "Ok, now how many of you have Hepatitis from IV drug use?" I shit when I saw all the hands go up. I didn't know anything about that. I used the same toilet as all these people, the same shower and I was going to be sitting in the sauna with them. During my physical I asked him a lot of questions, he reassured me a little, but I was still freaking out. Especially when he told me that there is no cure for Hep C, once you get it you will always have it and it will probably be the reason you die when you die. I was still in the exam room resting from giving blood when Roman came into the room. The Dr. shit when Roman took his shirt off and he saw all the lumps on his body. Especially the one that was erupting with smelly puss and blood, it was huge, I can't even explain how big this thing was. Roman was positive for Hepatits. All of us passed the physical except for Roman and Samantha. They both had Hep C. and Samantha had some liver of kidney problems because of it. The Dr. needed to clear some of the obvious problems up on Roman before he could start the sauna. Of the 10 of us that went to the Dr.'s that day, 5 had Hepatits. In the back of the office I saw two students that I had seen at Narco but had not met. They were both getting some kind of blood treatment. The first was a guy named James Agro, everyone called him Agro. He was from Hollywood and was a big-time tweaker. He shot speed into his veins up to 5 times a day. He was young, maybe 25. Agro was tall, about 6'5", really skinny and his hair was long and it stuck straight up. He was kind of cool looking in a scarey kind of way. He was the type you would think of when you thought of young, Hollywood drug users. The other person was a young girl named Nicole. She was all over the East Coast and had been a run away for years. She used Horoine and was also a heavy IV user. She had short, jet black hair and wore a lot of black eye make-up. she dressed real crazy, lot's of camo and short skirts with combat boots and piercings all over. I found out that they were getting treatment for Hepatits and were trying to get clearance from the Dr. so they could start the sauna treatment. I thought "Great, those two are going to be in the sauna with me." I was very comfortable with the group I thought I was going to be in the sauna with, now I wasn't so sure. Those two were freaks and scared the shit out of me. I couldn't imagine the sauna with more than five people in it at a time. I wasn't sure how this was going to work but I was all consumed with worry about how my time in the sauna was going to end up and who I was going to be with. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Atleast Roman didn't pass his physical so he wouldn't be in with me. And perhaps Agro and Nicole wouldn't get healthy in time to be in the sauna with me either. I just couldn't stop worrying about it. The Hepatits thing was really freaking me out. I didn't want to leave here with a permanent disease.
I will finish later.
peace.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
New Comp
OK, it's the Sunday after Thanksgiving and I still don't have a job. I have been offered a couple of jobs. Of the two jobs I have officially been offered, I would be taking a large cut in pay and major deduction in benefits. I really need health insurance and I would have to find my own with either job. With my situation, that would be really tough. The bottom line is the most important thing in this job search is health insurance. I won't be able to get any without being part of a group. I would have to start paying full price for everything ie; Dr. visits, prescriptions, and I would be screwed if it ever came to getting surgery on my neck.
The first offer was from STF Electric Services, they wanted a drug test. I was actually going to go take it. Who cares right? I called them to see if we could work something out with the health insurance situation. They wouldn't budge. Their offer was straight $23.00 per hour and that is it. No vacation pay, no holiday pay, no sick days. Literally no benefits at all. I just think I can do better. The one appealing thing STF offered was that I would be working on the Day Break Temple. That could be real cool. I would love to see a Temple go up, and hang all those fixtures and just see how they do all the neat things they do in those amazing buildings. Then I could remodel my house to look just like a Temple because I would know all the tricks.
The other job that I am still considering is Mr. Sparky. It is a Service and Repair company. Almost exactly like Captain Shitball where I used to work. The owner was definately planning on me to run a truck full time. That was fine, but the pay was too low. I kind of made it known that the pay wasn't going to cut it. Steve, the owner was very persistent, he kept calling me and his thing was to say "Hey, I am not a written book. We are writing the chapters as we go. Let's figure a starting number we can both live with and get going". I would start to think maybe then he would always say "the wage we pick is just a temporary training wage anyways. I am a firm believer in New Comp. It puts the burden on the tech, well not really burden, it gives the tech more of the ability to make as much as they want". Bull shit, it does put all the burden on the tech and takes all the risk off the owner. The tech get's paid like $12.oo per hour or less and they get paid by how much money they bring in. It's tough, you really can make good money. The Mr. Sparky guys in Atlanta, and Florida where it started are making unreal amounts of money, well some of the techs. Problem is you don't even start making New Comp unless you average over $1200.00 per day. I told Steve first of all "you are only in Utah County right now. I know that Ut. county cannot support New Comp. I know we tried at the Captain. and we never could make it work" He said "Ok, lets get in the Yellow Pages in SLC." Once again my response wasn't what he wanted to hear. I said "I'm sorry Steve but the Yellow Pages leads are terrible. There is know way I will go on New Comp and risk my family life on Ut. Co. and Yellow Page leads. We tried for a long time at Captain to make it work, and we were state wide. I was prospecting leads from Ogden to St. George and we still had to create a hybrid type of New Comp for our guys. They were all still making $24.00 per hour + New Comp. Only one guy ever even got any New Comp compensation." And "all of our health ins. was paid, 2 weeks paid vacation and all the major holidays paid. I don't really care about all of that, just the pay, the ins. and that is it." Steve said, "Well Mr. Sparky has a little different type of New Comp". "OK Steve, let me think about it and I will get back to you, soon. Thanks a lot" He was like "Sam, remember I am not a written book, we really want you. Come work with us. We are going to do special things. If you are going to some other job interviews forget it and just come to work. I know we can make New Comp work". He sounded a lot like Joe when I first hired on at the Captain, only worse about the New Comp. It won't work here in Utah. Not enough people will pay these crazy prices. To much risk is on the tech, all the risk is on the Tech, it's bull shit. I still don't know what to do. I just can't decide what to do.
I have been having entrepenureal (sp?) feelings since all these interviews and offers. I have relationships all over the state. Why can't I do this myself. If I am going to make someone $1500.00 a day, why not do it for myself. If I am going to work my ass off, I might as well do it for myself. Is that the right way to think? Can I do it with all that I have learned over the years? Am I too screwed up? Is it possible to go from 0 to successful contractor? I would only do service and repair, no house roping or anything big. I have met one General Contractor who is really pushing me to go into business for myself. He is in with a lot of home owners in Midway and says he can get me $4K to 6K per month in jobs like that. He has already gotten me a couple up there, and so far they have been good jobs. I am using Captain Elec price book and they have been willing to pay their prices. It is just hard. I would have to make my own Price Book, my own invoices, my own everything to look professional. The big thing is I would have to take the time to get properly licensed. That would really cut into my income right now, which is very paltry and it's Christmas time.
Well I am not sure what to do. I am just trying to stay busy and keep working hard to support my family. I think my daughters kind of think I am a loser. Just a hunch, because of all I have been though during their lives and now I am unemployed and can't find a good job. I know they wish their Dad was successful and could get a job easy. I think they are scared. I haven't talked too much to anyone about starting my own business. I am scared everyone will cringe or laugh and be like, come on pull your head out of your ass dumbshit. You can't do that. Maybe not. Got to go
Peace.
The first offer was from STF Electric Services, they wanted a drug test. I was actually going to go take it. Who cares right? I called them to see if we could work something out with the health insurance situation. They wouldn't budge. Their offer was straight $23.00 per hour and that is it. No vacation pay, no holiday pay, no sick days. Literally no benefits at all. I just think I can do better. The one appealing thing STF offered was that I would be working on the Day Break Temple. That could be real cool. I would love to see a Temple go up, and hang all those fixtures and just see how they do all the neat things they do in those amazing buildings. Then I could remodel my house to look just like a Temple because I would know all the tricks.
The other job that I am still considering is Mr. Sparky. It is a Service and Repair company. Almost exactly like Captain Shitball where I used to work. The owner was definately planning on me to run a truck full time. That was fine, but the pay was too low. I kind of made it known that the pay wasn't going to cut it. Steve, the owner was very persistent, he kept calling me and his thing was to say "Hey, I am not a written book. We are writing the chapters as we go. Let's figure a starting number we can both live with and get going". I would start to think maybe then he would always say "the wage we pick is just a temporary training wage anyways. I am a firm believer in New Comp. It puts the burden on the tech, well not really burden, it gives the tech more of the ability to make as much as they want". Bull shit, it does put all the burden on the tech and takes all the risk off the owner. The tech get's paid like $12.oo per hour or less and they get paid by how much money they bring in. It's tough, you really can make good money. The Mr. Sparky guys in Atlanta, and Florida where it started are making unreal amounts of money, well some of the techs. Problem is you don't even start making New Comp unless you average over $1200.00 per day. I told Steve first of all "you are only in Utah County right now. I know that Ut. county cannot support New Comp. I know we tried at the Captain. and we never could make it work" He said "Ok, lets get in the Yellow Pages in SLC." Once again my response wasn't what he wanted to hear. I said "I'm sorry Steve but the Yellow Pages leads are terrible. There is know way I will go on New Comp and risk my family life on Ut. Co. and Yellow Page leads. We tried for a long time at Captain to make it work, and we were state wide. I was prospecting leads from Ogden to St. George and we still had to create a hybrid type of New Comp for our guys. They were all still making $24.00 per hour + New Comp. Only one guy ever even got any New Comp compensation." And "all of our health ins. was paid, 2 weeks paid vacation and all the major holidays paid. I don't really care about all of that, just the pay, the ins. and that is it." Steve said, "Well Mr. Sparky has a little different type of New Comp". "OK Steve, let me think about it and I will get back to you, soon. Thanks a lot" He was like "Sam, remember I am not a written book, we really want you. Come work with us. We are going to do special things. If you are going to some other job interviews forget it and just come to work. I know we can make New Comp work". He sounded a lot like Joe when I first hired on at the Captain, only worse about the New Comp. It won't work here in Utah. Not enough people will pay these crazy prices. To much risk is on the tech, all the risk is on the Tech, it's bull shit. I still don't know what to do. I just can't decide what to do.
I have been having entrepenureal (sp?) feelings since all these interviews and offers. I have relationships all over the state. Why can't I do this myself. If I am going to make someone $1500.00 a day, why not do it for myself. If I am going to work my ass off, I might as well do it for myself. Is that the right way to think? Can I do it with all that I have learned over the years? Am I too screwed up? Is it possible to go from 0 to successful contractor? I would only do service and repair, no house roping or anything big. I have met one General Contractor who is really pushing me to go into business for myself. He is in with a lot of home owners in Midway and says he can get me $4K to 6K per month in jobs like that. He has already gotten me a couple up there, and so far they have been good jobs. I am using Captain Elec price book and they have been willing to pay their prices. It is just hard. I would have to make my own Price Book, my own invoices, my own everything to look professional. The big thing is I would have to take the time to get properly licensed. That would really cut into my income right now, which is very paltry and it's Christmas time.
Well I am not sure what to do. I am just trying to stay busy and keep working hard to support my family. I think my daughters kind of think I am a loser. Just a hunch, because of all I have been though during their lives and now I am unemployed and can't find a good job. I know they wish their Dad was successful and could get a job easy. I think they are scared. I haven't talked too much to anyone about starting my own business. I am scared everyone will cringe or laugh and be like, come on pull your head out of your ass dumbshit. You can't do that. Maybe not. Got to go
Peace.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Sundays
I love Sundays. For one day the pressure is off. I think everyone feels like that for the most part. Maybe with the exception of students who have put their homework off, and those who have jobs. You know how you kind of get that wierd feeling on Sunday night, the whole thing is starting over in the morning. The whole grind of the week. The mondane (sp?) work week, for most people is starts Sunday evening. Atleast it did for me when I was working. Now I kind of have mixed emotions, part hope and part hopelessness. This week something will happen for sure, I am smart. Surely someone will hire me and everything will be okay. You always hear of others people who lose their jobs and how tough it is, you talk to them a while later and they have this great job and it was the best thing that ever happened to them. We are those kind of people, I come from that kind of family. A "Best thing ever Family". In fact I grew up in a "Best thing ever area", in a "Best thing ever Church. Surely things will work out. Problem is, I have always been different. When I was young I was being groomed to be successful, I felt it, I knew it, and I took it for granted. I was the most confident teenager in the world. I was bulletproof. On the other hand I am used to sabotage. I ruin things for myself. A lot of it is drug induced but it is real. It's like I hope things will work out great for me, but in my heart of hearts I know it won't. It just doesn't happen for me. I just had my dream job, my chance of a lifetime, and I screwed it up. The jobs that I really want are the type of jobs that are going to have much more qualified applicants applying. I just feel that, why the hell would they hire me. I am really just a freaking electrician. I have to try to quit thinking that way and have some confidence but atleast I always have my Journeyman license to fall back on. That is what my Mother and Father-in-Law keep saying to me. Translation:Why the hell aren't you working as an electrician supporting our daughter you lazy dumbass? We don't care what you WANT to do, we care what you can do.
I understand their point of view, I would probably feel the same way if it was my daughter. My In-laws are kind of old school. They think an electrician is a great way to make a living. These days it just doesn't cut it. Before we had teenagers maybe we could make it, but now there is not a chance. I would have to work and then do side jobs all night long to make it and it would still be tough at that.
Church has even gotten tough for me. Elder's Chorum is just plain torture for me. I just can't bring myself to go. I literally get physically ill just thinking about it. Hard to believe this is coming from the same person who once spoke in Sacrament Meeting on 2 minutes notice from his Father. It's true. I was 17 or 18, I arrived at Sacrament Meeting right before it started. My dad was in the Bishopric, he hurried down and met me before I could sit down and whispered, "sorry, I forgot to tell you that you are speaking today in Sacrament Meeting" I was like, "really, how much time do I need to take up". I was a little nervous, but I actually liked it. I made the audience laugh, and had no problems at all. I think I said some stuff about my Mother's old high school that made her mad, but she was so proud. It was easy, I had so much confidence. I could have done that any time. I gave lessons in front of the bishop off the top of my head, I could talk to anyone, I could do anything. Life was easy. Maybe too easy.
Somewhere along the line it got hard. I don't mean life, that's obvious, I mean church stuff. I can't do it anymore. It's like the older you get the more complicated it get's. I think that being surrounded by returned missionaries intimidates me. I know I missed out on some awesome growth there. Both spiritually as well as mental toughness, but I have been through some tough stuff in my life. Trust me. I am scared to give a prayed in Sacrament Meeting now, forget about giving a talk. I am even scared to have a conversation with some of the men in out ward. That is why I hate to go to church. I don't like the guys who try to act nice to you. I'm not stupid. Now if it get's around that I am unemployed, which it has, it will be unbearable. I have a testimony, I have felt the spirit. It feels like love. Plain and simple. I have felt it. I try to keep it simple when it comes to religion. Treat people well and help people when you can. Go out of your way to help people. I try to be generous and I did several jobs for free when I was working as an electrician for Captain Elec. when clients couldn't pay and were under terrible circumstances. I always did freebies for older people, I did a lot of stuff the really made the management of Capt. Elc. mad. I always did it on my own time, but they wanted the job. I really do try. I just try to keep it simple because it so easy to get overwhelmed. Every Sunday it get's so complicated, there is so much to it. Why can't be simple, just love everyone. especially your family, help others, do the right thing. Instead it's all these smart guys showing how smart they are. It works, I think they are smart and they intimidate me. They intimidate me much more than being the new guy at a rehab or stressing about not being able to get my drugs and knowing I am going to be sick as hell, with the smart guys we are talking about eternity. We are talking about my family. I promise you, without my family I would be diad today. Sure as I am writing this right now, I would be dead.
Peace
I understand their point of view, I would probably feel the same way if it was my daughter. My In-laws are kind of old school. They think an electrician is a great way to make a living. These days it just doesn't cut it. Before we had teenagers maybe we could make it, but now there is not a chance. I would have to work and then do side jobs all night long to make it and it would still be tough at that.
Church has even gotten tough for me. Elder's Chorum is just plain torture for me. I just can't bring myself to go. I literally get physically ill just thinking about it. Hard to believe this is coming from the same person who once spoke in Sacrament Meeting on 2 minutes notice from his Father. It's true. I was 17 or 18, I arrived at Sacrament Meeting right before it started. My dad was in the Bishopric, he hurried down and met me before I could sit down and whispered, "sorry, I forgot to tell you that you are speaking today in Sacrament Meeting" I was like, "really, how much time do I need to take up". I was a little nervous, but I actually liked it. I made the audience laugh, and had no problems at all. I think I said some stuff about my Mother's old high school that made her mad, but she was so proud. It was easy, I had so much confidence. I could have done that any time. I gave lessons in front of the bishop off the top of my head, I could talk to anyone, I could do anything. Life was easy. Maybe too easy.
Somewhere along the line it got hard. I don't mean life, that's obvious, I mean church stuff. I can't do it anymore. It's like the older you get the more complicated it get's. I think that being surrounded by returned missionaries intimidates me. I know I missed out on some awesome growth there. Both spiritually as well as mental toughness, but I have been through some tough stuff in my life. Trust me. I am scared to give a prayed in Sacrament Meeting now, forget about giving a talk. I am even scared to have a conversation with some of the men in out ward. That is why I hate to go to church. I don't like the guys who try to act nice to you. I'm not stupid. Now if it get's around that I am unemployed, which it has, it will be unbearable. I have a testimony, I have felt the spirit. It feels like love. Plain and simple. I have felt it. I try to keep it simple when it comes to religion. Treat people well and help people when you can. Go out of your way to help people. I try to be generous and I did several jobs for free when I was working as an electrician for Captain Elec. when clients couldn't pay and were under terrible circumstances. I always did freebies for older people, I did a lot of stuff the really made the management of Capt. Elc. mad. I always did it on my own time, but they wanted the job. I really do try. I just try to keep it simple because it so easy to get overwhelmed. Every Sunday it get's so complicated, there is so much to it. Why can't be simple, just love everyone. especially your family, help others, do the right thing. Instead it's all these smart guys showing how smart they are. It works, I think they are smart and they intimidate me. They intimidate me much more than being the new guy at a rehab or stressing about not being able to get my drugs and knowing I am going to be sick as hell, with the smart guys we are talking about eternity. We are talking about my family. I promise you, without my family I would be diad today. Sure as I am writing this right now, I would be dead.
Peace
Friday, November 2, 2007
Uncle Rico
My wife and Daughters love to call me uncle Rico. They think it is so funny. I really don't talk about my high school days that much, but I will admit, I loved my time in high school. I was a screw up for sure in high school. I didn't live up to my potential in any way, in sports or academically. I think I had the wrong impression of what I was there for. I was into having fun and that is what I did, I had a lot of fun. I got away with a lot and I think that set me up for a tough life. I shouldn't of graduated, but some of the teacher's loved me enough to give me some credits the last week of school to allow me to graduate. It was that close.
In my senior English class the teacher was a man who fancied himself hip and cool. I never knew why but he never tested me or had any sort of confrontation with me. We were friends from the first day. Every Friday in his class we took a spelling and vocabulary test. 15 words that we were to have studied during the week. Every Friday I went to the front of the room and gave the test and read the definitions while the students corrected each others papers. I got 100% on every test, I still barely passed the class. I thought he was so cool. I thought he just liked me. I have thought about that over the years, a lot. He was prepared for me. He had heard about some of my run-ins with other teachers and he just figured he would control me. He did. He knew I would bomb the class even with all the advantages he gave me. I was only in class about half of the time, he probably made fun of me to the other students when I wasn't there. I am only now realizing how stupid I really was.
Like in health class when the teacher announced, "Next time a police officer will be speaking to us about illegal drugs and bringing some samples from busts in to show us. Please be on your best behavior". I was sure to come in stoned out of my mind and just stinking bad of pot. I don't know why I did that, I thought it was cool. It wasnt, it was stupid, I could have gotten arrested. The cop was an undercover officer and he knew I was high. He even used me as an example. I didn't care. I just figured I would graduate, go to college, and get a good job. Actually, I thought I would be playing college or even pro ball. Not like that, but I didn't realize that. Everything was easy. Life was easy.
One time I was talking to another student at my school who also happened to live in my neighborhood. I can't remember what we were talking about, but I always think about something he said to me. He said "You are so lucky, it's like everything you touch turns to gold". I didn't really know what he meant. I think about that a lot. Sometimes I look at people and think, "man, they really have it together, I wish I had their life". However, I am sure they have their problems. Just like I had mine when that classmate said that to me. I am not sure why I have always remembered that, it just stuck with me. Not really as a compliment, I think about it more like that kid had no idea what my life is about. Even in high school when everything was easy, I still had worries. Mostly about passing my classes and graduating. I know I could have done a lot better I guess I was just too lazy and now I am paying the price. I am an electrician instead of a Lawyer. I took that gold and turned it into shit. I know people can be happy as electricians and plumbers it's all about what expectations you have for yourself. I never thought of myself as a guy who would work with his hands. I know I wasn't born to be an electrician, I am not really talented at it. I think I was just smart enough to be able to learn it. Some guys in the trade are passionate about it, they love being electricians. I don't, I do it to pay the bills. I thought I would be something better, make more money, hire electricians and guys like that. I didn't realize until it was too late that you had to work for it. Some people learn early on. I think those are the people that are successful. They start out with a purpose. If it is sports they want to do, they focus and get the most out of their talent. They get good grades in high school so that a college will want them. Nothing is easy. I looked around and saw all these people I knew getting all these things and accomplishing all these things and I think I thought it just happened for them. I didn't think about the fact that they worked really hard for something and made it happen. Good things don't just happen to people, people usually make good things happen for themselves. By the time I realized that I was already on the wrong track and it's hard to get off it. Now I have a giant struggle just to get on the right track let alone making a success of myself. Sounds kind of daunting, maybe I should just continue to be Uncle Rico, just kidding.
Peace
In my senior English class the teacher was a man who fancied himself hip and cool. I never knew why but he never tested me or had any sort of confrontation with me. We were friends from the first day. Every Friday in his class we took a spelling and vocabulary test. 15 words that we were to have studied during the week. Every Friday I went to the front of the room and gave the test and read the definitions while the students corrected each others papers. I got 100% on every test, I still barely passed the class. I thought he was so cool. I thought he just liked me. I have thought about that over the years, a lot. He was prepared for me. He had heard about some of my run-ins with other teachers and he just figured he would control me. He did. He knew I would bomb the class even with all the advantages he gave me. I was only in class about half of the time, he probably made fun of me to the other students when I wasn't there. I am only now realizing how stupid I really was.
Like in health class when the teacher announced, "Next time a police officer will be speaking to us about illegal drugs and bringing some samples from busts in to show us. Please be on your best behavior". I was sure to come in stoned out of my mind and just stinking bad of pot. I don't know why I did that, I thought it was cool. It wasnt, it was stupid, I could have gotten arrested. The cop was an undercover officer and he knew I was high. He even used me as an example. I didn't care. I just figured I would graduate, go to college, and get a good job. Actually, I thought I would be playing college or even pro ball. Not like that, but I didn't realize that. Everything was easy. Life was easy.
One time I was talking to another student at my school who also happened to live in my neighborhood. I can't remember what we were talking about, but I always think about something he said to me. He said "You are so lucky, it's like everything you touch turns to gold". I didn't really know what he meant. I think about that a lot. Sometimes I look at people and think, "man, they really have it together, I wish I had their life". However, I am sure they have their problems. Just like I had mine when that classmate said that to me. I am not sure why I have always remembered that, it just stuck with me. Not really as a compliment, I think about it more like that kid had no idea what my life is about. Even in high school when everything was easy, I still had worries. Mostly about passing my classes and graduating. I know I could have done a lot better I guess I was just too lazy and now I am paying the price. I am an electrician instead of a Lawyer. I took that gold and turned it into shit. I know people can be happy as electricians and plumbers it's all about what expectations you have for yourself. I never thought of myself as a guy who would work with his hands. I know I wasn't born to be an electrician, I am not really talented at it. I think I was just smart enough to be able to learn it. Some guys in the trade are passionate about it, they love being electricians. I don't, I do it to pay the bills. I thought I would be something better, make more money, hire electricians and guys like that. I didn't realize until it was too late that you had to work for it. Some people learn early on. I think those are the people that are successful. They start out with a purpose. If it is sports they want to do, they focus and get the most out of their talent. They get good grades in high school so that a college will want them. Nothing is easy. I looked around and saw all these people I knew getting all these things and accomplishing all these things and I think I thought it just happened for them. I didn't think about the fact that they worked really hard for something and made it happen. Good things don't just happen to people, people usually make good things happen for themselves. By the time I realized that I was already on the wrong track and it's hard to get off it. Now I have a giant struggle just to get on the right track let alone making a success of myself. Sounds kind of daunting, maybe I should just continue to be Uncle Rico, just kidding.
Peace
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